Heard this song today....
If You Only Knew lyrics
If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
On the web I spin for you
If you only knew.
I'd sacrifice my beating heart
before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.
The only thing that I still believe in is you,
if you only knew.
If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone.
I don't regret any days I spent,
nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent.
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.
The only thing that I still believe in is you,
if you only knew.
If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters you returned
You help me live and learn.
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.
The only thing that I still believe in is you,
believe in is you.
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew
Friday, December 25, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Pork chops for Christmas!
Getting back into this isn't easy for me. I've taken a little extended break from blogging. Actually I've taken a little extended break from a lot of things. Blogging, school, work, sanity....
Yeah, it's been a rough few months :)
Christmas is fast approaching and although the music on the radio is still causing chunks to rise up in my throat when I hear anything seasonal related, Olivia is doing her best to get me in the holiday spirit. She'll be 4 in March and this is the first year that she really gets the whole concept of Santa and is really excited about it. This leads me to a story that I really want to share.
About two weeks ago Livvy was talking on her play phone. I asked who she was talking to and she announced that she was talking to Santa! So I tell her to make sure she tells Santa what she really wants for Christmas. This is what I hear:
"Santa? I want toys, and juice, and books, and puzzles, and green beans, and peas, and pork shops (chops)......."
I about fell over laughing. A 3 year old asking Santa for meat is a sure sign of a recession and unemployed mom if you ask me.
So I decide to call the "real" Santa so she can tell him what she wants. I call my Dad. I dial the number, and he answers:
Dad: Hello?
Me: Hello, Santa! Olivia would really like to tell you what she wants for Christmas this year. Do you have a few minutes to talk to her?
Dad: Uh, okay.....
Me: Olivia, Santa is on the phone! Come tell him what you want!
Olivia: (grabbing the phone out of my hand) Santa! I want toys, and juice, and books, and puzzles...
Okay?
Dad: Okay, Olivia! (in Santa voice)
Olivia: Okay....can I talk to Nina now??
I tell ya, I know my kid is smart but she caught on to the fact that it was her PopPop on the other end of that phone and not Santa a little to easily if you ask me! But certainly not before she told him everything she wanted!
You can bet that 'Santa' will be placing a pack of pork chops under the tree on Christmas morning! Maybe a can of green beans and peas too!
Yeah, it's been a rough few months :)
Christmas is fast approaching and although the music on the radio is still causing chunks to rise up in my throat when I hear anything seasonal related, Olivia is doing her best to get me in the holiday spirit. She'll be 4 in March and this is the first year that she really gets the whole concept of Santa and is really excited about it. This leads me to a story that I really want to share.
About two weeks ago Livvy was talking on her play phone. I asked who she was talking to and she announced that she was talking to Santa! So I tell her to make sure she tells Santa what she really wants for Christmas. This is what I hear:
"Santa? I want toys, and juice, and books, and puzzles, and green beans, and peas, and pork shops (chops)......."
I about fell over laughing. A 3 year old asking Santa for meat is a sure sign of a recession and unemployed mom if you ask me.
So I decide to call the "real" Santa so she can tell him what she wants. I call my Dad. I dial the number, and he answers:
Dad: Hello?
Me: Hello, Santa! Olivia would really like to tell you what she wants for Christmas this year. Do you have a few minutes to talk to her?
Dad: Uh, okay.....
Me: Olivia, Santa is on the phone! Come tell him what you want!
Olivia: (grabbing the phone out of my hand) Santa! I want toys, and juice, and books, and puzzles...
Okay?
Dad: Okay, Olivia! (in Santa voice)
Olivia: Okay....can I talk to Nina now??
I tell ya, I know my kid is smart but she caught on to the fact that it was her PopPop on the other end of that phone and not Santa a little to easily if you ask me! But certainly not before she told him everything she wanted!
You can bet that 'Santa' will be placing a pack of pork chops under the tree on Christmas morning! Maybe a can of green beans and peas too!
Monday, September 28, 2009
BAH!
One word- BAHHHHH!!!!!!
Okay, I am pretty sure BAH! isn't a word however it's the only thing I can think of right now. I have been pressuring myself to post something these last few weeks and everything I can think of starts with 'Damn', 'Shit' or 'Fuck'. I am in a relatively good mood (in comparison to the last few weeks) today so 'BAH!' it is. Pretty sure there is still nothing bright or uplifting about it, but really what do you expect?
I am rolling up on 6 months since the split. 6 months! I don't know where the time went. It's occurred to me that in 6 months I have done very little to cope with the realization that my marriage is over. I have just plowed forward, never stopping for too long to take a look back at where I came from. This has proven to be my biggest mistake. Instead of dealing with it I went into autopilot mode, never allowing myself to feel any one thing for too long. It certainly is explainable that all of a sudden it's hit me like a mack truck square in the gut.
These last few weeks have been extremely tough on me. I am teetering on regret and sitting at the intersection of depressed and hopeless. I sit here and think, where did this come from? How does one go to the girl I was 3 months ago to who I am now?! I am burnt out. I wish I could just crawl in bed and sleep the next 6 months away. Of course I can't, but it certainly would be nice.
This morning I got out of bed, the lump in my throat more swollen than yesterday. I took a big gulp and swallowed it down reminding myself that every big event starts with a small baby step. So here it is. My first post in a few weeks and also my small baby step toward getting back on track. I can't say it feels great, but it's something.
Okay, I am pretty sure BAH! isn't a word however it's the only thing I can think of right now. I have been pressuring myself to post something these last few weeks and everything I can think of starts with 'Damn', 'Shit' or 'Fuck'. I am in a relatively good mood (in comparison to the last few weeks) today so 'BAH!' it is. Pretty sure there is still nothing bright or uplifting about it, but really what do you expect?
I am rolling up on 6 months since the split. 6 months! I don't know where the time went. It's occurred to me that in 6 months I have done very little to cope with the realization that my marriage is over. I have just plowed forward, never stopping for too long to take a look back at where I came from. This has proven to be my biggest mistake. Instead of dealing with it I went into autopilot mode, never allowing myself to feel any one thing for too long. It certainly is explainable that all of a sudden it's hit me like a mack truck square in the gut.
These last few weeks have been extremely tough on me. I am teetering on regret and sitting at the intersection of depressed and hopeless. I sit here and think, where did this come from? How does one go to the girl I was 3 months ago to who I am now?! I am burnt out. I wish I could just crawl in bed and sleep the next 6 months away. Of course I can't, but it certainly would be nice.
This morning I got out of bed, the lump in my throat more swollen than yesterday. I took a big gulp and swallowed it down reminding myself that every big event starts with a small baby step. So here it is. My first post in a few weeks and also my small baby step toward getting back on track. I can't say it feels great, but it's something.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Ugly Truth
Writing used to be something that I really loved to do. All throughout high school I kept various notebooks that contained everything from letters to poems to short stories. It was my therapy. There was nothing I loved more in the spring than ditching my last two classes of the day, driving down to my little secluded spot on the water and sitting on a rock and writing. I loved the sound of the water, the breeze on my face and the sun warming every inch of my body. I could sit there for hours and just write until all my problems no longer seemed so significant.
For about the last 5 years or so writing became so difficult. It wasn't from a lack of things to say, it was just the unwillingness to say those things. I have always found resolution to my problems through writing and I think the resolution that I knew I would find was just a reality that I wasn't ready to deal with. I would try to write, and find myself unconsciously skipping over certain parts of the truth. I was leaving out the core of what actually was so I didn't have to deal with it. After awhile I just stopped writing. Too much to say, not enough courage to say it.
I started this blog a few months before the split. When I first began my posts were few and far between. I was still hiding a lot. My cousin kept encouraging me. Just keep writing she said. And so I did. It was tough. Every post was censored, making sure I didn't let the reality of my situation known to my friends, my family, or even myself at times.
After the split it was still tough. If I posted once every couple weeks, I was doing well. I just kept hearing my cousin though. "Just keep writing." Now I find myself with an over abundance of things to say. I am no longer censoring myself. I have started to accept what is and I have learned that just because I fail to consciously acknowledge it doesn't make it any less true. Not only am I writing again, I am finding that my passion for it is back.
Today all I really want to do is skip out of work early, drive down to that little secluded spot on the water and just write. Maybe tomorrow....
For about the last 5 years or so writing became so difficult. It wasn't from a lack of things to say, it was just the unwillingness to say those things. I have always found resolution to my problems through writing and I think the resolution that I knew I would find was just a reality that I wasn't ready to deal with. I would try to write, and find myself unconsciously skipping over certain parts of the truth. I was leaving out the core of what actually was so I didn't have to deal with it. After awhile I just stopped writing. Too much to say, not enough courage to say it.
I started this blog a few months before the split. When I first began my posts were few and far between. I was still hiding a lot. My cousin kept encouraging me. Just keep writing she said. And so I did. It was tough. Every post was censored, making sure I didn't let the reality of my situation known to my friends, my family, or even myself at times.
After the split it was still tough. If I posted once every couple weeks, I was doing well. I just kept hearing my cousin though. "Just keep writing." Now I find myself with an over abundance of things to say. I am no longer censoring myself. I have started to accept what is and I have learned that just because I fail to consciously acknowledge it doesn't make it any less true. Not only am I writing again, I am finding that my passion for it is back.
Today all I really want to do is skip out of work early, drive down to that little secluded spot on the water and just write. Maybe tomorrow....
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Chasing Rainbows
My cousin posted this picture on her blog today and it absolutely took my breath away. Hope you don't mind that I stole it, Carrie! Chances are if you're reading my blog, then you are family and you have also read Carrie's blog so I don't need to tell you how amazing she is. Today, this picture was just what I needed. It is amazing how the littlest things are the things you need the most and they always appear at the most random times and places.
Since I have started my blog I have had a few comments about the title "Chasing Rainbows" and everyone seems to have their own theory about exactly what that means. Each person gets a little piece of the meaning but no one up to this point has exactly hit the nail on the head. This picture does.
I remember when I was little, probably about 6 or 7. Summer storms always terrified me. You know, the ones that roll in around 5 or 6 in the evening, wreak havoc for an hour or so and then roll out as quickly as they came? I loved going outside after a storm like that. I loved the smell in the air after a fresh rain moved out. I loved the way the humidity felt on my skin. I also knew that if I was lucky I would also see a rainbow.
On the rare occasion that I did see a rainbow I would stare at it, mesmerized by it. The beautiful colors, the way it draped across the sky. I always wondered where it began and where it ended. Was there really a pot of gold at the end? And that's when I would take off running down the street keeping my eyes on the sky, following the colors as far as I could. Within a few minutes it would just disappear, almost like it never really existed at all. And every time I would start walking back home, feeling a little sheepish and defeated.
Sometimes I feel the exact same way about life. I struggle between what's real and what's not. Between reality and fairytale. Even worse, I struggle to see the truth in the fairytale. I have always equated this to chasing rainbows when I was a child, believing in the end but not really having any proof that it actually exists. And then feeling a little sheepish and defeated when things don't quite work out. But now I see this picture, and it makes me smile. There it is.
I might never be as lucky as the person behind the camera that day. Chances are I will never actually see the end of a rainbow but now I know it's real, and that's enough for me. And it truly is spectacular...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
School...
The pressure has been unbearable lately. I am so caught between everything I was, everything I am, and everything I want to be that I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends sometimes. Sleep is a luxury and a good meal is more often than not something I need to plan for.
I have been clawing away at school for over a year now and while a lot of people have assured me there is no shame in taking a little break due to my circumstances, I have not caved in to the stress. I keep chugging away. After all, I have come this far I may as well keep going.
School usually goes something like this-put Livvy to bed at 9. Log on to class by 10. Get sidetracked by 10:15. Log back on at 11. Read for 5 minutes. Realize I didn't absorb what I just read, so I read it again, this time taking 10 minutes. Around midnight, post once in each of the two discussion topics....attempt to sound smart. 12:30, give up on studying any further and opt to play on Facebook for awhile instead.
I never really get through all of the required reading. I wish I did, but my attention span at that time of night just won't allow me too. This makes it all the more incredible that in the last year, my grades have stayed pretty decent for a full time working single mommy.
So, I just want to toot my own horn for a second. I just finished up my Motivation and Leadership course. It was one of the harder courses I have taken so far. The final consisted of 40 multiple choice questions and 6 essay questions. While I was taking the exam, I was very concerned about my selections on the multiple choice. First, for some reason I usually suck at them and second, because all the options were so similar that it would have been very easy to make a careless mistake. The essays didn't worry me too much, I pride myself on the fact that I can write about anything and make it sound half way like I know what I am talking about.
Today I got my grade back and was totally floored when I saw I got a 290/300, which equates to almost a 97%!! More amazing is that all the multiple choice were correct! This is the best I have done on any of my exams up to this point, and considering that it was one of the more difficult courses, I felt I should give myself a little pat on the back.
It just goes to show that no matter what you have going on in your life, if you are determined to do something, you will do it. There is always a way to push through life in an attempt to make it better in the future. Sure I could take a break (polite way of saying quit!) but why? I have a 97% that says I am handling it just fine.
I have been clawing away at school for over a year now and while a lot of people have assured me there is no shame in taking a little break due to my circumstances, I have not caved in to the stress. I keep chugging away. After all, I have come this far I may as well keep going.
School usually goes something like this-put Livvy to bed at 9. Log on to class by 10. Get sidetracked by 10:15. Log back on at 11. Read for 5 minutes. Realize I didn't absorb what I just read, so I read it again, this time taking 10 minutes. Around midnight, post once in each of the two discussion topics....attempt to sound smart. 12:30, give up on studying any further and opt to play on Facebook for awhile instead.
I never really get through all of the required reading. I wish I did, but my attention span at that time of night just won't allow me too. This makes it all the more incredible that in the last year, my grades have stayed pretty decent for a full time working single mommy.
So, I just want to toot my own horn for a second. I just finished up my Motivation and Leadership course. It was one of the harder courses I have taken so far. The final consisted of 40 multiple choice questions and 6 essay questions. While I was taking the exam, I was very concerned about my selections on the multiple choice. First, for some reason I usually suck at them and second, because all the options were so similar that it would have been very easy to make a careless mistake. The essays didn't worry me too much, I pride myself on the fact that I can write about anything and make it sound half way like I know what I am talking about.
Today I got my grade back and was totally floored when I saw I got a 290/300, which equates to almost a 97%!! More amazing is that all the multiple choice were correct! This is the best I have done on any of my exams up to this point, and considering that it was one of the more difficult courses, I felt I should give myself a little pat on the back.
It just goes to show that no matter what you have going on in your life, if you are determined to do something, you will do it. There is always a way to push through life in an attempt to make it better in the future. Sure I could take a break (polite way of saying quit!) but why? I have a 97% that says I am handling it just fine.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Personal Ad Rejects
Recently I have been getting quite a response from the male population. I am flattered, I really am. Truth be told, I am not very picky at all. I tend to find something I like in everyone. I am however, not 17 anymore, and I some things are non-negotiable. I an effort to eliminate this problem, and reduce the amount of wasted time (on your behalf and mine) hitting on me, here's a little list of some no-no's that I have come up with. If any of this applies to you, I kindly ask that you move right along.
1.)Telling me that my teeth are nice and white IS NOT a pick up line. I mean, it's nice because it means you weren't staring at my chest, but really?? Teeth? Sorry, it doesn't do it for me.
2.)I don't care how nice your other babies mama thinks you are, I am just not willing to go that route. There's a reason she is being referred to as your 'baby mama' and not your wife/girlfriend.
3.)Please do not exaggerate the fact that you "LOVE LITTLE GIRLS" as you are attempting to hit on me while I am holding my 3 year old daughter. That is just creepy. Pedophile anyone?
4.)Don't tell me that the reason you are jobless is because of a 'misunderstanding' in regards to some missing money. ("What had happened was.....")
5.)A complete stranger belting out the lyrics to "Brown Eyed Girl" in the gas station parking lot is not romantic. Please, if you want to talk, introduce yourself. Do not sing. There is no need for that.
6.)Do not go out of your way to convince me what an asshole you are. Girls in high school like assholes. I'm over it. Nice guys only please.
And Finally....
7.)Never...ever...ever brag about the fact that all your male buddies think you are gay. It's really not that funny. Especially when you will neither confirm it nor deny it.
That's all for now.
1.)Telling me that my teeth are nice and white IS NOT a pick up line. I mean, it's nice because it means you weren't staring at my chest, but really?? Teeth? Sorry, it doesn't do it for me.
2.)I don't care how nice your other babies mama thinks you are, I am just not willing to go that route. There's a reason she is being referred to as your 'baby mama' and not your wife/girlfriend.
3.)Please do not exaggerate the fact that you "LOVE LITTLE GIRLS" as you are attempting to hit on me while I am holding my 3 year old daughter. That is just creepy. Pedophile anyone?
4.)Don't tell me that the reason you are jobless is because of a 'misunderstanding' in regards to some missing money. ("What had happened was.....")
5.)A complete stranger belting out the lyrics to "Brown Eyed Girl" in the gas station parking lot is not romantic. Please, if you want to talk, introduce yourself. Do not sing. There is no need for that.
6.)Do not go out of your way to convince me what an asshole you are. Girls in high school like assholes. I'm over it. Nice guys only please.
And Finally....
7.)Never...ever...ever brag about the fact that all your male buddies think you are gay. It's really not that funny. Especially when you will neither confirm it nor deny it.
That's all for now.
Back To Me
"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.” – the holiday
Well, I am going to admit it. For the longest time I did go over every detail and wonder what I did wrong; what I could have done differently. The truth is, I am always blaming myself when things go wrong. I am always thinking there is something more that I can do, should do, or would do if I just knew what the hell it was. For a good portion of 4 years I turned myself inside out. I morphed into this person that I'm not-all to try and fix something that was never really my issue at all. All to be with him. Be happy with him. Have a family with him. I tried. God knows I tried.
All the little pieces of my soul are coming back. I am remembering the girl that I used to be. I am laughing at things I wouldn't have found funny a year ago. I am taking my daughter to the park, the carnival, the zoo, the store. I smile more than I frown. I cry more tears of joy then of sadness. My heart feels so full with love for the people that I overlooked all these years, just trying to get by and drowning in my own self-pity.
I don't however feel that I wasted any years of my life. I've got my beautiful little girl beside me, reminding me that without the years of heartache and struggle, she wouldn't be here. And so, it may be getting fuzzy, and I may start to forget, but I will never regret it, ever.
I've got love in my heart, a smile on my face and my little girl in my arms. And we're off to the fair tonight.
Well, I am going to admit it. For the longest time I did go over every detail and wonder what I did wrong; what I could have done differently. The truth is, I am always blaming myself when things go wrong. I am always thinking there is something more that I can do, should do, or would do if I just knew what the hell it was. For a good portion of 4 years I turned myself inside out. I morphed into this person that I'm not-all to try and fix something that was never really my issue at all. All to be with him. Be happy with him. Have a family with him. I tried. God knows I tried.
All the little pieces of my soul are coming back. I am remembering the girl that I used to be. I am laughing at things I wouldn't have found funny a year ago. I am taking my daughter to the park, the carnival, the zoo, the store. I smile more than I frown. I cry more tears of joy then of sadness. My heart feels so full with love for the people that I overlooked all these years, just trying to get by and drowning in my own self-pity.
I don't however feel that I wasted any years of my life. I've got my beautiful little girl beside me, reminding me that without the years of heartache and struggle, she wouldn't be here. And so, it may be getting fuzzy, and I may start to forget, but I will never regret it, ever.
I've got love in my heart, a smile on my face and my little girl in my arms. And we're off to the fair tonight.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Doctor Knows Best
I had a doctors appointment yesterday. Because I always wait until the last minute to schedule appointments that should have been scheduled months prior, I had to see someone other than my normal doctor, as he was booked until December.
As I walked into the building and signed in at the front desk, I still wasn't sure who I was scheduled to see. I flipped through a few magazines, none of which were very interesting to me(Ebony and Arthritis Today really don't have many articles that apply to a single, white 26 year old mom, imagine that!). I was called back and the nurse informed me I would be seeing Dr. Berlin. Finally, at least I had a name. Seeing a new doc is always a little nerve wracking especially when you are practically on a first name basis with your regular doc. The nurse took my weight and vitals and let me know Dr. Berlin would be in soon.
I waited. And waited. Thoughts bounced back and forth in my head. First it was the fact that doctors offices are always white and filled with fluorescent lights which make my eyes hurt. I hate that! Then it was about how this particular office smelled like a funeral home. It must have been the fresh flowers in the waiting room, but there is definitely something about that smell in a doctors office that causes a little anxiety. Then it was about life as I know it these days. Olivia and I on our own. Working hard to pay rent and daycare and struggling from week to week to do so. Then I thought about how it's becoming really hard to remember my life 6 months ago. It seems every day that passes I lose a little piece of the past. I've forgotten what it was like for him and I to share a bed. I've forgotten what it was like to have to share the sink in the morning so I could brush my teeth while he shaved. It's all starting to feel surreal as time passes, like a dream almost. I became a little sad thinking about the time I sat in that very office, that very room even, when I was pregnant with our child. My heart started to ache a little.
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally heard a knock on the door and Dr. Berlin entered. He was a man in his 60's, tall and slender with silvery white hair. Not at all what I was expecting. My first thought was that he had been practicing medicine longer than I have been alive. He was a nice man, immediately I was comfortable with him. There was a warmness in his smile that you rarely see with doctors these days, it's usually all very procedure.
He made small talk as he reviewed my chart. He talked about his 4 kids, who are now grown, and I talked about Olivia. He asked how many more I planned on having and immediately I blurted out that I wish I could have at least 6, but I was sure finances wouldn't allow that. He chuckled and talked about how he never wanted a big family but love took over and he and his wife of 40 years were blessed with 4. He then asked the question I hoped he wouldn't...did my husband want a big family? In true Aimee fashion, the awkwardness caused me to make a really bad joke when I explained that my husband did in fact want a big family.... just not with me.
It's still very hard for me to tell people that I am no longer together with my husband. For months I have been bombarded with forms that ask you to check your marital status. I am not sure what to check.
Can't check married.
Can't check divorced.
Single? At least not where the IRS is concerned.
Widowed? Definitely not.
When I find myself with one of these forms I become annoyed and think to myself, why in the hell don't they have an "It's Complicated" selection like Facebook?? The least they could do is give a 'Separated' option. The majority of the forms I have come across do not though. Apparently you're either Married, Divorced, Single, or Widowed.
He saw the hurt in my eyes as I struggled to find the words to explain what happened in my marriage. Truth is, there really are no words for it. He gently placed my chart on the desk, took a few steps toward me and placed his hand on my shoulder. He explained that he and his wife had some very rough times when they were young. He was going through medical school, they were raising small children, and they were drowning in debt. He went on to explain that even through those hard times, he knew just how lucky he was to have this woman that loved him more than life itself and how everyday for the last 40 years he has thanked god that she picked him. And with the most genuine look in his eyes he stated that every person deserves to have that kind of love. And every person should hold out for it. Wait for it.
And just like that, in an instant, he restored my faith in the fact that it is out there. That kind of love exists. I just have to wait for it.
As I walked into the building and signed in at the front desk, I still wasn't sure who I was scheduled to see. I flipped through a few magazines, none of which were very interesting to me(Ebony and Arthritis Today really don't have many articles that apply to a single, white 26 year old mom, imagine that!). I was called back and the nurse informed me I would be seeing Dr. Berlin. Finally, at least I had a name. Seeing a new doc is always a little nerve wracking especially when you are practically on a first name basis with your regular doc. The nurse took my weight and vitals and let me know Dr. Berlin would be in soon.
I waited. And waited. Thoughts bounced back and forth in my head. First it was the fact that doctors offices are always white and filled with fluorescent lights which make my eyes hurt. I hate that! Then it was about how this particular office smelled like a funeral home. It must have been the fresh flowers in the waiting room, but there is definitely something about that smell in a doctors office that causes a little anxiety. Then it was about life as I know it these days. Olivia and I on our own. Working hard to pay rent and daycare and struggling from week to week to do so. Then I thought about how it's becoming really hard to remember my life 6 months ago. It seems every day that passes I lose a little piece of the past. I've forgotten what it was like for him and I to share a bed. I've forgotten what it was like to have to share the sink in the morning so I could brush my teeth while he shaved. It's all starting to feel surreal as time passes, like a dream almost. I became a little sad thinking about the time I sat in that very office, that very room even, when I was pregnant with our child. My heart started to ache a little.
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally heard a knock on the door and Dr. Berlin entered. He was a man in his 60's, tall and slender with silvery white hair. Not at all what I was expecting. My first thought was that he had been practicing medicine longer than I have been alive. He was a nice man, immediately I was comfortable with him. There was a warmness in his smile that you rarely see with doctors these days, it's usually all very procedure.
He made small talk as he reviewed my chart. He talked about his 4 kids, who are now grown, and I talked about Olivia. He asked how many more I planned on having and immediately I blurted out that I wish I could have at least 6, but I was sure finances wouldn't allow that. He chuckled and talked about how he never wanted a big family but love took over and he and his wife of 40 years were blessed with 4. He then asked the question I hoped he wouldn't...did my husband want a big family? In true Aimee fashion, the awkwardness caused me to make a really bad joke when I explained that my husband did in fact want a big family.... just not with me.
It's still very hard for me to tell people that I am no longer together with my husband. For months I have been bombarded with forms that ask you to check your marital status. I am not sure what to check.
Can't check married.
Can't check divorced.
Single? At least not where the IRS is concerned.
Widowed? Definitely not.
When I find myself with one of these forms I become annoyed and think to myself, why in the hell don't they have an "It's Complicated" selection like Facebook?? The least they could do is give a 'Separated' option. The majority of the forms I have come across do not though. Apparently you're either Married, Divorced, Single, or Widowed.
He saw the hurt in my eyes as I struggled to find the words to explain what happened in my marriage. Truth is, there really are no words for it. He gently placed my chart on the desk, took a few steps toward me and placed his hand on my shoulder. He explained that he and his wife had some very rough times when they were young. He was going through medical school, they were raising small children, and they were drowning in debt. He went on to explain that even through those hard times, he knew just how lucky he was to have this woman that loved him more than life itself and how everyday for the last 40 years he has thanked god that she picked him. And with the most genuine look in his eyes he stated that every person deserves to have that kind of love. And every person should hold out for it. Wait for it.
And just like that, in an instant, he restored my faith in the fact that it is out there. That kind of love exists. I just have to wait for it.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
There's something about finally realizing things about yourself that you didn't realize before. Certain personality traits and little quirks that make you who you are but somehow everyone seems to see it but you.
Lately I have been taking all these Facebook quizzes and the pattern is nearly disturbing. Every quiz I take seems to point to that fact that I am a pushover who apparently lives in my own little fairytale world and that is why I am destined to never find happiness....because the happiness I seek doesn't exist and because I am too busy being a doormat to get what I want and need. Hmm.
Here's two of those tests.
How high maintenance are you? The result- A Doormat
"You aren't just easy to please, you're eager to please....When things are clicking you view the world as a positive place, but when things go badly you blame yourself."
What personality trait stands out most in you? The result- Romance
"Your fantasizing can make you oblivious to the world around you...."
Test after test, I get more of these same results. Now, of course I know that there is absolutely no scientific method to these quizzes and they almost always should be taken with a grain of salt. They are for entertainment purposes only. I am not sure who's entertainment at this point; they stopped being funny to me after I realized that I was a doormat, but I suppose my Facebook friends are still getting a kick out of the results.
Anyhow, back to the fact that the quizzes aren't based off of any truth. Yesterday get a message from a friend commenting on all these quiz results and how they have never seen them so accurate and consistent for any one person. Gee, thanks.
And now I am thinking about all the times my mom said that I am a doormat, or that I live in a fairytale world and I am destined to be disappointed. I guess she's right. I guess my friend is right. I guess facebook is right, too.
I have always been the type of person that was proud that I could live my life free of skepticism and always think so positively and believe in the fairytale. It's something I believed in and I really thought it was out there. Now my faith is shaking. Maybe it isn't out there. Maybe I am the doormat that is always going to love the guy that sees how badly he can treat me and how far I will go to please him.
Either way, I think I need to stay away from Facebook quizzes for awhile.
Lately I have been taking all these Facebook quizzes and the pattern is nearly disturbing. Every quiz I take seems to point to that fact that I am a pushover who apparently lives in my own little fairytale world and that is why I am destined to never find happiness....because the happiness I seek doesn't exist and because I am too busy being a doormat to get what I want and need. Hmm.
Here's two of those tests.
How high maintenance are you? The result- A Doormat
"You aren't just easy to please, you're eager to please....When things are clicking you view the world as a positive place, but when things go badly you blame yourself."
What personality trait stands out most in you? The result- Romance
"Your fantasizing can make you oblivious to the world around you...."
Test after test, I get more of these same results. Now, of course I know that there is absolutely no scientific method to these quizzes and they almost always should be taken with a grain of salt. They are for entertainment purposes only. I am not sure who's entertainment at this point; they stopped being funny to me after I realized that I was a doormat, but I suppose my Facebook friends are still getting a kick out of the results.
Anyhow, back to the fact that the quizzes aren't based off of any truth. Yesterday get a message from a friend commenting on all these quiz results and how they have never seen them so accurate and consistent for any one person. Gee, thanks.
And now I am thinking about all the times my mom said that I am a doormat, or that I live in a fairytale world and I am destined to be disappointed. I guess she's right. I guess my friend is right. I guess facebook is right, too.
I have always been the type of person that was proud that I could live my life free of skepticism and always think so positively and believe in the fairytale. It's something I believed in and I really thought it was out there. Now my faith is shaking. Maybe it isn't out there. Maybe I am the doormat that is always going to love the guy that sees how badly he can treat me and how far I will go to please him.
Either way, I think I need to stay away from Facebook quizzes for awhile.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Arg! This week has been rough. It's not that anything has happened to make it rough, it's just been one of those weeks you wish you could fast forward through and pretend didn't actually happen.
It's been a few nights of hardly sleeping at all, followed by one night of falling into an absolute coma. The problem is, the night that I actually slept I woke up feeling worse than I did the nights that I didn't. I realize that this is an issue, because I am drained. My body is screaming for good sleep, the dark circles under my eyes say so. I just can't seem to get into a good pattern. Somehow even when I do sleep, the worries of my current situation sneak into my dreams and won't allow me to be peaceful even for a second.
Olivia. I love her, really I do. This week though she has had a few moments that really make me want to jump off the roof. Last night after giving her the ice cream she HAD to have, she took a mouth full of whipped cream and proceeded to spit it onto the floor. THANK GOD mama gets a much needed break this weekend. I sense that she is just as tired of me and is aiming to get under my skin at this point.
Work. Ok, not work so much as the damn commute to work. Not sure what the deal is but it seems like every asshole is suddenly back from vacation and causing the stupid traffic jams you don't normally see in the summer. I hate traffic. I hate the stupid accidents that cause traffic. I hate the 2 hour commute I have because of the stupid accidents. I hate the stupid people that cause the stupid accidents. I wish they would go back on vacation and give me a few more weeks of an easy commute before summer ends.
This leads me to my next annoyance...fall! I really dislike fall. Everything dies and is a constant reminder of the fact that winter is coming, which would be great if there were actual snow to look forward too. Instead though, we deal with temperatures cold enough to make you not want to get out of bed in the morning, but not quite cold enough to actually give us more than a dusting of snow. Fall is nothing more then the bearer of bad news.
All I'm really saying is that I just want to sleep like a normal person, not be frustrated with my daughter, and have a few more weeks of summer and no traffic. I don't think I am asking too much.
One more day and then on to the weekend at which time I am going to nap away this terrible outlook I have this week and replace it with a more positive one next week. That's the plan anyway.
It's been a few nights of hardly sleeping at all, followed by one night of falling into an absolute coma. The problem is, the night that I actually slept I woke up feeling worse than I did the nights that I didn't. I realize that this is an issue, because I am drained. My body is screaming for good sleep, the dark circles under my eyes say so. I just can't seem to get into a good pattern. Somehow even when I do sleep, the worries of my current situation sneak into my dreams and won't allow me to be peaceful even for a second.
Olivia. I love her, really I do. This week though she has had a few moments that really make me want to jump off the roof. Last night after giving her the ice cream she HAD to have, she took a mouth full of whipped cream and proceeded to spit it onto the floor. THANK GOD mama gets a much needed break this weekend. I sense that she is just as tired of me and is aiming to get under my skin at this point.
Work. Ok, not work so much as the damn commute to work. Not sure what the deal is but it seems like every asshole is suddenly back from vacation and causing the stupid traffic jams you don't normally see in the summer. I hate traffic. I hate the stupid accidents that cause traffic. I hate the 2 hour commute I have because of the stupid accidents. I hate the stupid people that cause the stupid accidents. I wish they would go back on vacation and give me a few more weeks of an easy commute before summer ends.
This leads me to my next annoyance...fall! I really dislike fall. Everything dies and is a constant reminder of the fact that winter is coming, which would be great if there were actual snow to look forward too. Instead though, we deal with temperatures cold enough to make you not want to get out of bed in the morning, but not quite cold enough to actually give us more than a dusting of snow. Fall is nothing more then the bearer of bad news.
All I'm really saying is that I just want to sleep like a normal person, not be frustrated with my daughter, and have a few more weeks of summer and no traffic. I don't think I am asking too much.
One more day and then on to the weekend at which time I am going to nap away this terrible outlook I have this week and replace it with a more positive one next week. That's the plan anyway.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Happiness
For a long time I have always heard from the people closest to me that my problem is I never put myself first. I am always trying to take care and worry about other people and that is why I could never find my own happiness. For the last few months I have stepped out of that role (as much as I can), took their advice and began focusing on what it is that I want. Now I remember why exactly I have always been so inclined to ignore my own needs and worry about others.
When you worry about taking care of other people and trying to help them, sometimes it backfires and comes back to bite you, but as a general rule, it just feels good. I love being that person that people want to talk to about their problems. Or that person that people can rely on for a hug and some sympathy. I truly believe there is good in everybody and every one starts off with the best of intentions, and people know that. When they have done something bad they know by coming to me I can show them that silver lining and assure them that they are a good person still. I love that I can make someones day a little better.
When you worry about yourself and your own happiness though...whole different ballgame. It's not as easy as one would think. First, you have to decide what it is that makes you happy. Don't get me started on that. It takes me an hour to pick out what to have for lunch for gods sake. Deciding on the right course of action for happiness is about as tough as it gets! Then you have to put all the wheels in motion to get it once you know what 'it' is. This is the tricky part. Let's just assume that I know what it is that I want, however, everything that I want is completely dependent on something other than yourself. Great. I know what I want but now I have absolutely no course of action to obtain it because wouldn't you know it, it's just a smidgen out of reach. Of course it is. That's kind of where I am at right now. I feel like everything I want and whether or not I get it is completely not up to me.
I want off of this crazy train. I was happier when Aimee came last and I found a whole lot of joy in helping everyone else. Besides, true happiness isn't something that should be a quest. It should show up in the form of an unexpected surprise, or the feeling in your heart when your kid learns to finally whistle.
Only fools let their happiness depend solely on what their ideas of happiness should be and whether or not they obtain just that. And I am no fool....
When you worry about taking care of other people and trying to help them, sometimes it backfires and comes back to bite you, but as a general rule, it just feels good. I love being that person that people want to talk to about their problems. Or that person that people can rely on for a hug and some sympathy. I truly believe there is good in everybody and every one starts off with the best of intentions, and people know that. When they have done something bad they know by coming to me I can show them that silver lining and assure them that they are a good person still. I love that I can make someones day a little better.
When you worry about yourself and your own happiness though...whole different ballgame. It's not as easy as one would think. First, you have to decide what it is that makes you happy. Don't get me started on that. It takes me an hour to pick out what to have for lunch for gods sake. Deciding on the right course of action for happiness is about as tough as it gets! Then you have to put all the wheels in motion to get it once you know what 'it' is. This is the tricky part. Let's just assume that I know what it is that I want, however, everything that I want is completely dependent on something other than yourself. Great. I know what I want but now I have absolutely no course of action to obtain it because wouldn't you know it, it's just a smidgen out of reach. Of course it is. That's kind of where I am at right now. I feel like everything I want and whether or not I get it is completely not up to me.
I want off of this crazy train. I was happier when Aimee came last and I found a whole lot of joy in helping everyone else. Besides, true happiness isn't something that should be a quest. It should show up in the form of an unexpected surprise, or the feeling in your heart when your kid learns to finally whistle.
Only fools let their happiness depend solely on what their ideas of happiness should be and whether or not they obtain just that. And I am no fool....
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Single Mom In Search Of....
Newly single mom has part-time positions available.There is no pay involved but I would like to think spending time around the wonder that is me is payment enough.
Vacant Positions are as follows:
Trash Man- Part-time work Monday and Thursday nights. No real skill involved, just move the cans from the front porch to the street without breaking a bag all over the front steps (as I have done twice in the last month). If you break it, you clean it.
Landscaper- I no longer have a riding mower or weed whacker. I do have a push mower, but no gas can or gas. This position will require that you bring your own tools. I am perfectly capable of completing this task on my own however, it's August, and it's hot. I think a man might be better able to work under these conditions. Last time I attempted this I drank 6 bottles of water and blacked out for a brief period of time.
Mechanic- I do know how to put oil in my car myself, and so far that has worked. I am afraid though that the simple fact that I am going through 4 quarts of oil a week could be signaling a more serious problem.
Also, when I am running late for work in the morning and I hit about 80 mph on the highway, the car starts to shake violently. It's not possible for me to slow down, don't ask. Just come and fix my car.
Disciplinarian- In great need of a dominant male figure willing to be the bad guy so that I can remain the favorite. Most needed around 9pm as bedtime is approaching. Must have firm tone and ability to not laugh when a 3 year old puts her hand on her hip and demands that you, 'Weave her awone!!'.
This is a temporary position for the next year or so, but once the teenage years approach the possibility of a long term opportunity is very likely.
More positions to be added on an as needed basis. Please check back frequently. Again, all positions come with zero pay, no benefits and are on an at-will basis only. I have found that this is really the best solution for all parties involved since at some point you probably will become a pain in my ass, or I will want to hire someone else on a more permanent basis.
Please email all resumes and salary requirements (Remember, there is none. My smiling face should be enough.) to me. No phone inquiries please. Do not apply in person. Interviews by appointment only.
Vacant Positions are as follows:
Trash Man- Part-time work Monday and Thursday nights. No real skill involved, just move the cans from the front porch to the street without breaking a bag all over the front steps (as I have done twice in the last month). If you break it, you clean it.
Landscaper- I no longer have a riding mower or weed whacker. I do have a push mower, but no gas can or gas. This position will require that you bring your own tools. I am perfectly capable of completing this task on my own however, it's August, and it's hot. I think a man might be better able to work under these conditions. Last time I attempted this I drank 6 bottles of water and blacked out for a brief period of time.
Mechanic- I do know how to put oil in my car myself, and so far that has worked. I am afraid though that the simple fact that I am going through 4 quarts of oil a week could be signaling a more serious problem.
Also, when I am running late for work in the morning and I hit about 80 mph on the highway, the car starts to shake violently. It's not possible for me to slow down, don't ask. Just come and fix my car.
Disciplinarian- In great need of a dominant male figure willing to be the bad guy so that I can remain the favorite. Most needed around 9pm as bedtime is approaching. Must have firm tone and ability to not laugh when a 3 year old puts her hand on her hip and demands that you, 'Weave her awone!!'.
This is a temporary position for the next year or so, but once the teenage years approach the possibility of a long term opportunity is very likely.
More positions to be added on an as needed basis. Please check back frequently. Again, all positions come with zero pay, no benefits and are on an at-will basis only. I have found that this is really the best solution for all parties involved since at some point you probably will become a pain in my ass, or I will want to hire someone else on a more permanent basis.
Please email all resumes and salary requirements (Remember, there is none. My smiling face should be enough.) to me. No phone inquiries please. Do not apply in person. Interviews by appointment only.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Are you kidding me?
Sleep. It really is a luxury these days. As a matter of fact, I am fairly certain I slept better as a newborn baby then what I do now. I have actually become used to functioning on very little sleep, but really, no one can function like that for very long. Eventually you're going to crash.
Last night, 9pm. I was sleepy, but I had to get my school work done. 10pm, no longer sleepy. Great. 11pm, surfing the internet and talking to Pam. 12pm, the whole house is quiet, and I am still not sleepy. 12:30, force myself to go to bed. 1am, after tossing and turning for a half hour I decide it's time for tylenol PM. Somewhere between 1 and 2am, I finally fall asleep. In and out of sleep for the next 2 hours, tossing and turning yet again. 4am, oh yes, 4am. This is the point in the night where I have woken up every night for the last 2 months. I hear the sounds of birds chirping which warns me daylight is near. 4:15 argue with myself for 10 minutes. Do I get up and get ready for work, or do I try and go back to sleep for another 2 hours?? 4:30, fall back asleep. 6:30 alarm goes off, I hit snooze unknowingly. 6:30-7:30, hit snooze 10 more times. 7:45, oh crap, I'm running late. Now fast forward to 10am, I am sitting at work, grumpy, tired and dreading seeing 4am yet again tonight. I know I will though. It won't matter whether I go to bed at 7, 11, or even 3am, you can bet I will be awake at 4.
In an attempt to make the best use of my time I wanted to let everyone know. If you have asked me for something and I have turned you down because I am too busy, too tired, or just plain lazy call me again and reschedule for 4am, I'm available.
Last night, 9pm. I was sleepy, but I had to get my school work done. 10pm, no longer sleepy. Great. 11pm, surfing the internet and talking to Pam. 12pm, the whole house is quiet, and I am still not sleepy. 12:30, force myself to go to bed. 1am, after tossing and turning for a half hour I decide it's time for tylenol PM. Somewhere between 1 and 2am, I finally fall asleep. In and out of sleep for the next 2 hours, tossing and turning yet again. 4am, oh yes, 4am. This is the point in the night where I have woken up every night for the last 2 months. I hear the sounds of birds chirping which warns me daylight is near. 4:15 argue with myself for 10 minutes. Do I get up and get ready for work, or do I try and go back to sleep for another 2 hours?? 4:30, fall back asleep. 6:30 alarm goes off, I hit snooze unknowingly. 6:30-7:30, hit snooze 10 more times. 7:45, oh crap, I'm running late. Now fast forward to 10am, I am sitting at work, grumpy, tired and dreading seeing 4am yet again tonight. I know I will though. It won't matter whether I go to bed at 7, 11, or even 3am, you can bet I will be awake at 4.
In an attempt to make the best use of my time I wanted to let everyone know. If you have asked me for something and I have turned you down because I am too busy, too tired, or just plain lazy call me again and reschedule for 4am, I'm available.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Ah, Sunday!
It's Sunday. Sunday is always typically a relaxing day. A day to hang around the house, snuggle with your kid, clean, do laundry and prepare for the upcoming week. It seems as though every day, including Sunday lately, has come with it's own baggage which allows it to be anything but relaxing.
Not this Sunday. Today I was in a state of pure peace. I wasn't sad. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't busy trying to analyze every single detail of what is my life now. I was in a state of contentment. No worries. No feeling like the world was threatening to spin off it's axis if I didn't take quick action.
Liv and I woke up and we made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We ate and just laid around all day, happy to be home and happy that the weight of the world had been lifted, even if only for today. I am not sure where this came from to be honest. Every day has it's emotions and every day is different, but what I relief to have felt for the first time in months that we are exactly where we belong, at least for the time being.
Thank god for today.
Not this Sunday. Today I was in a state of pure peace. I wasn't sad. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't busy trying to analyze every single detail of what is my life now. I was in a state of contentment. No worries. No feeling like the world was threatening to spin off it's axis if I didn't take quick action.
Liv and I woke up and we made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We ate and just laid around all day, happy to be home and happy that the weight of the world had been lifted, even if only for today. I am not sure where this came from to be honest. Every day has it's emotions and every day is different, but what I relief to have felt for the first time in months that we are exactly where we belong, at least for the time being.
Thank god for today.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The L Word
I saw an old friend today and heard yet another story of failed marriage. It seems these days I am coming across the same sad story all over the place. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl. Boy and girl fall deeply in love. Boy and girl get married. Within 3 years boy and girl are miserable, child in tow, and then the inevitable D word follows. It's really sad to me that this is happening to more people then just me.
It's even more sad that these are people that I know. People that hold the same ideals toward marriage that I do. People that always thought the first time would be the only time. And that the magic L word would see that nothing ever put them in that D category.
I have been giving thought to the idea that maybe what I am looking for doesn't actually exist. Is it so out there to think that you will find that one person that really does think the "sun shines out your ass"? Is it? No marriage is problem free. I get that. But is it unreasonable to think that problems aside, at the end of the day, your love should conquer all?
All I ever wanted was someone to just love me, no matter what. For someone to be with me for no reason other than that they couldn't fathom the idea of being without me. Faults and all. That even within the most imperfect marriage, ultimately a perfect love would still exist. And after 5, 10 or 40 years, that person would still look at you the same way they did the day you fell in love.
Of course, anyone who knows me knows I am a dreamer. Maybe my idea of love and marriage just isn't realistic. Maybe my heart aims so high that I will never find the love that I think I deserve. All I know is I would rather feel in my heart that it does exist and risk never finding it then to settle for less again and know that I will never find it.
It's gotta be out there.....
It's even more sad that these are people that I know. People that hold the same ideals toward marriage that I do. People that always thought the first time would be the only time. And that the magic L word would see that nothing ever put them in that D category.
I have been giving thought to the idea that maybe what I am looking for doesn't actually exist. Is it so out there to think that you will find that one person that really does think the "sun shines out your ass"? Is it? No marriage is problem free. I get that. But is it unreasonable to think that problems aside, at the end of the day, your love should conquer all?
All I ever wanted was someone to just love me, no matter what. For someone to be with me for no reason other than that they couldn't fathom the idea of being without me. Faults and all. That even within the most imperfect marriage, ultimately a perfect love would still exist. And after 5, 10 or 40 years, that person would still look at you the same way they did the day you fell in love.
Of course, anyone who knows me knows I am a dreamer. Maybe my idea of love and marriage just isn't realistic. Maybe my heart aims so high that I will never find the love that I think I deserve. All I know is I would rather feel in my heart that it does exist and risk never finding it then to settle for less again and know that I will never find it.
It's gotta be out there.....
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A Thank You!
It's been a long road. I have stumbled a few times, gotten back up just to fall right back down.
These days I am spending much more time up on my feet rather than face first in the dirt. I am really thankful for that. As I was reflecting this morning, I thought about all the people that have led me to this point and it occurred to me that maybe I haven't thanked them enough. Maybe they don't know how much they truly mean to me. With that being said, here's a list of the people that have had a hand in standing me back up again.
First, my roommate Pam. Words can't even describe what a god send she has been to me. She knows exactly what I am going through and somewhere in the middle of all my insanity she helps me see the truth. She encourages me to get out and meet the world that awaits when all I want to do sometimes is crawl back under the sheets and sleep through it. She is amazing.
Tom and Dawn...when I had nowhere to go they opened up their home and made Olivia and I feel at ease. I thank god every day for them because if they hadn't been there it would have been that much harder to continue down this path. I am happy, and it started with them.
Ralph, who is always there to give words of encouragement and remind me that I am strong. It's amazing how someone so far away can have such a great impact on your outlook and be a constant reminder that anything is possible.
Jae who has no idea that just the moments of playing scrabble and chatting take me out of my life for a second. I love that my biggest problem in that moment is finding a 7 letter word better then my record high of 72 points.
Most of all, my daughter. She makes it all worth while. All the tears and all the smiles. It's all been for her and everyday she rewards me with hugs and kisses by the truckload. It's impossible to not want to make this imperfect world completely perfect when I look at her. It might never happen, but she keeps me trying.
Of course, this is the short list. I could go on. My mom, my grandmother, sister, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. I am extremely blessed to have such a huge support system in my life. Even though times get tough and I feel like I am all alone, I know deep down I have my own little personal army pushing me ahead. I hope they know how loved and appreciated they really are.
These days I am spending much more time up on my feet rather than face first in the dirt. I am really thankful for that. As I was reflecting this morning, I thought about all the people that have led me to this point and it occurred to me that maybe I haven't thanked them enough. Maybe they don't know how much they truly mean to me. With that being said, here's a list of the people that have had a hand in standing me back up again.
First, my roommate Pam. Words can't even describe what a god send she has been to me. She knows exactly what I am going through and somewhere in the middle of all my insanity she helps me see the truth. She encourages me to get out and meet the world that awaits when all I want to do sometimes is crawl back under the sheets and sleep through it. She is amazing.
Tom and Dawn...when I had nowhere to go they opened up their home and made Olivia and I feel at ease. I thank god every day for them because if they hadn't been there it would have been that much harder to continue down this path. I am happy, and it started with them.
Ralph, who is always there to give words of encouragement and remind me that I am strong. It's amazing how someone so far away can have such a great impact on your outlook and be a constant reminder that anything is possible.
Jae who has no idea that just the moments of playing scrabble and chatting take me out of my life for a second. I love that my biggest problem in that moment is finding a 7 letter word better then my record high of 72 points.
Most of all, my daughter. She makes it all worth while. All the tears and all the smiles. It's all been for her and everyday she rewards me with hugs and kisses by the truckload. It's impossible to not want to make this imperfect world completely perfect when I look at her. It might never happen, but she keeps me trying.
Of course, this is the short list. I could go on. My mom, my grandmother, sister, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. I am extremely blessed to have such a huge support system in my life. Even though times get tough and I feel like I am all alone, I know deep down I have my own little personal army pushing me ahead. I hope they know how loved and appreciated they really are.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Until Next Time
Today sucked. I have gotten so used to the good days outnumbering the bad that when one comes along, it socks me square in the gut. I have been dealing with sleep issues for a few weeks now so that has me drained anyway. Last night I had some other emotional stuff going on that I was still dealing with at the break of dawn.
Fast forward to this morning, I am on my way to work and I get a call from my husband. Apparently his morning wasn't any better then mine, and surely he is still struggling with his own emotional baggage. Combine two struggling, emotional people and there is bound to be fireworks.
I just get so tired of never knowing what to expect these days and even more that after 4 months I still get the lump in my throat that impedes my ability to say exactly what I am thinking the moment I am thinking it. I am just tired of letting someone have the ability to make my day go so incredibly worse than what it needs to be. It sucks to feel for days that I am doing so well and then be derailed by a not so good day that I have no control over.
I guess I am still learning to not let things bother me. Still learning to accept that someone else's bad day isn't my bad day. Still learning that there is nothing to fear any longer and that it is okay to have my own thoughts and opinions. I am still learning all that.
Luckily while I am still learning, it is in fact just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day, and the next. Until next time....
Fast forward to this morning, I am on my way to work and I get a call from my husband. Apparently his morning wasn't any better then mine, and surely he is still struggling with his own emotional baggage. Combine two struggling, emotional people and there is bound to be fireworks.
I just get so tired of never knowing what to expect these days and even more that after 4 months I still get the lump in my throat that impedes my ability to say exactly what I am thinking the moment I am thinking it. I am just tired of letting someone have the ability to make my day go so incredibly worse than what it needs to be. It sucks to feel for days that I am doing so well and then be derailed by a not so good day that I have no control over.
I guess I am still learning to not let things bother me. Still learning to accept that someone else's bad day isn't my bad day. Still learning that there is nothing to fear any longer and that it is okay to have my own thoughts and opinions. I am still learning all that.
Luckily while I am still learning, it is in fact just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day, and the next. Until next time....
Monday, August 10, 2009
I Feel Bad
I noticed something today. There have been 3 songs that have carried me through the last 4 months and all 3 are by the same artist. Not only that, all 3 songs have strong similarities. All 3 are about moving on and becoming strong. All 3 focus more on the relief of the relationship being over versus the mourning of it.
I guess this is really how I feel. Yes, I think it sucks my marriage is over but I am not really mourning it. I am happier than I have been in years to be truly honest. I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds, and for once in a long time, I am not fearful. I know there are great things out there for me, and for him.
Below are the lyrics to "I Don't Feel Bad". A few days ago I posted the lyrics to "Movin' On". Both are by Rascal Flats. If anyone is interested in the 3rd song, it is also by Rascal Flatts titled "Stand".
It's amazing to me how all 3 of these songs encompass exactly everything that I have been feeling over these last four months and how it's so completely different then the emotions that most would think that I am feeling.
For anyone going through something similar to what I have gone through, I highly suggest listening to these picks. You will gather more strength from the lyrics and music then you have had in a long time.
"I Don't Feel Bad"
"I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don't feel bitter,
alone
I just feel its time,
its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on and on
Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad"
-Rascal Flatts
I guess this is really how I feel. Yes, I think it sucks my marriage is over but I am not really mourning it. I am happier than I have been in years to be truly honest. I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds, and for once in a long time, I am not fearful. I know there are great things out there for me, and for him.
Below are the lyrics to "I Don't Feel Bad". A few days ago I posted the lyrics to "Movin' On". Both are by Rascal Flats. If anyone is interested in the 3rd song, it is also by Rascal Flatts titled "Stand".
It's amazing to me how all 3 of these songs encompass exactly everything that I have been feeling over these last four months and how it's so completely different then the emotions that most would think that I am feeling.
For anyone going through something similar to what I have gone through, I highly suggest listening to these picks. You will gather more strength from the lyrics and music then you have had in a long time.
"I Don't Feel Bad"
"I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don't feel bitter,
alone
I just feel its time,
its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on and on
Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad"
-Rascal Flatts
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Within Reach
Olivia and I went to the carnival again tonight. This is quickly becoming one of our favorite things to do. There is just something about seeing the look on her face when she is on the rides that just makes my heart overflow and for a minute it takes me back. I remember being that young and how everything was so exciting. Truth be told though, Olivia is much more daring than I ever was (or even still am!). She has no fear and it's quickly becoming something I admire about her. I have no doubt that one day she is going to take the world head on and do something really special.
Lately, I have been thinking of new things that I can do. As if school, work, and being a single mom aren't enough I have contemplated the idea of writing a book. If Tori Spelling can do it, I am sure I can!
I have also tossed around the idea of doing some charity work. I would love to volunteer my time at the hospital; a long time ago someone told me that they are always looking for people to come in and rock babies. Babies who were abandoned or born to drug addicted moms. Babies who are essentially all alone in the world and just need the caring touch of a warm body. I really think that is something I would like to do. Of course knowing me I will want to bring home all those sweet babies at the end of the day.
I guess I just feel like over the last couple years I was so absorbed in keeping my marriage together that I really neglected in doing things for myself and for others.
I look at Olivia and see her lack of fear and I guess it makes me not so scared to try different things and see that even at 26, I can still do something really special too. That's what I am reaching for, and I think I am well on my way.
Lately, I have been thinking of new things that I can do. As if school, work, and being a single mom aren't enough I have contemplated the idea of writing a book. If Tori Spelling can do it, I am sure I can!
I have also tossed around the idea of doing some charity work. I would love to volunteer my time at the hospital; a long time ago someone told me that they are always looking for people to come in and rock babies. Babies who were abandoned or born to drug addicted moms. Babies who are essentially all alone in the world and just need the caring touch of a warm body. I really think that is something I would like to do. Of course knowing me I will want to bring home all those sweet babies at the end of the day.
I guess I just feel like over the last couple years I was so absorbed in keeping my marriage together that I really neglected in doing things for myself and for others.
I look at Olivia and see her lack of fear and I guess it makes me not so scared to try different things and see that even at 26, I can still do something really special too. That's what I am reaching for, and I think I am well on my way.
Friday, August 7, 2009
The Pedal on the Right
I can't help but be a little angry at people sometimes. The same people that said they would be there for me when all this began are some of the same people so quick to judge about every single decision I make. People that I have never been where I am right now. People that have no clue what it's like to completely start over with a 3 year old in tow.
I can only imagine it must be rather easy from a distance to analyze the situation and pinpoint every little mistake that I might be making. All I can say to that is this; at this juncture in my life I have earned every right to make a few mistakes.
I am sitting in the middle of an intersection and signs are pointing me in every which direction. I could go left or right, straight ahead or possibly even turn around and go back. The point is, no matter which way I go every single path is going to come with it's own bumps. I don't know which road to take. Which one is going to be the least rocky, causing the least amount of bumps and bruises to both me and my daughter? I haven't a single clue. What I do know is this, I can sit still anymore. I have to put it in drive and hope that the road I am taking is the right one. I can't sit idle in the intersection any longer as the caution signs flash red and oncoming traffic threatens to pummel us. I have to keep moving.
It may be easy for some to see exactly which route I should take and it certainly would be easier for me to see if I had a map. All I have is myself, my child and the faith that even if I make a wrong turn somewhere along the road that I will eventually still arrive at my destination, safe and sound. Just because you make a few wrong turns doesn't mean you abandon the car and ditch on foot. I'm going to be fine. She's going to be fine.
All I need is a couple more tanks of gas and an open road. We'll get there.
I can only imagine it must be rather easy from a distance to analyze the situation and pinpoint every little mistake that I might be making. All I can say to that is this; at this juncture in my life I have earned every right to make a few mistakes.
I am sitting in the middle of an intersection and signs are pointing me in every which direction. I could go left or right, straight ahead or possibly even turn around and go back. The point is, no matter which way I go every single path is going to come with it's own bumps. I don't know which road to take. Which one is going to be the least rocky, causing the least amount of bumps and bruises to both me and my daughter? I haven't a single clue. What I do know is this, I can sit still anymore. I have to put it in drive and hope that the road I am taking is the right one. I can't sit idle in the intersection any longer as the caution signs flash red and oncoming traffic threatens to pummel us. I have to keep moving.
It may be easy for some to see exactly which route I should take and it certainly would be easier for me to see if I had a map. All I have is myself, my child and the faith that even if I make a wrong turn somewhere along the road that I will eventually still arrive at my destination, safe and sound. Just because you make a few wrong turns doesn't mean you abandon the car and ditch on foot. I'm going to be fine. She's going to be fine.
All I need is a couple more tanks of gas and an open road. We'll get there.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I'm Movin' On
"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see
life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone.......
I'm movin' on."
-Rascal Flatts
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see
life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone.......
I'm movin' on."
-Rascal Flatts
Friday, July 17, 2009
The Carnival
Pam, Sarah and I took Olivia to the carnival the other night. It was really amazing to see the smile on Olivia's face, she was so happy.
She got on all the rides, and even a few that aren't really for kids. By far, the scrambler was her favorite. She just laughed the whole time and at one point I could tell she wanted to throw up, but the smile never left her face. She rode her first roller coaster and she did it all by herself. She really has no fear, none at all. At one point during the night she spotted the bounce house so we walked over to it so she could jump for a few minutes. Now anyone that knows Olivia knows that she is tiny for her age. Well, the height requirement for the bounce house (and every other kiddie ride) was 35 inches. Olivia falls about 2 inches short of that and wouldnt you know it, the kid was allowed to get on the scrambler for god's sake, but the guy running the bounce house wouldn't let her jump. I couldn't believe it. She was so upset.
While I was riding one of the adult rides Pam took her over to play games and won her 3 fish! When we asked her what she wanted to name them, Olivia demanded one was named Jermaine. Now we have 3 fish. Jermaine, Michael and Tito. We're thinking of going back to get 2 more so we can complete the group.
Sarah sent me the pictures today and the one of her on the roller coaster truly make my heart swell. She was so brave. I can't believe how big she is getting. I definately want to make sure we do more stuff like this more often. We didn't get home until 11pm on a work night, but I think her and I both agree it was worth it!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Oh, boy!
I was sitting on the porch outside with Olivia last night. We weren't doing anything special. It was raining and dark out and we were just chatting. In the last few months I have been able to do this with her, and that is a huge thing since she really took a long time to develop in the speech area. Everything we talk about it still very basic. What color is this? How was your day? You know, nothing really in depth but I do enjoy her ability to answer my questions these days accurately. A few months ago if the answer wasn't no to everything, she just wouldnt respond at all.
So we're sitting outside, chatting about nothing really when she looks at me and says "I like Ian." I ask her if Ian is a friend from school and she replies yes with the tiniest little grin on her face. You know, kind of like the one you got when you had your first real crush in middle school? Yeah, it resembled that one. And she proceeds, "I like Alex." Oh dear. I ask is that another friend from school? Again, she shakes her head yes with that cheesy little grin that lets me know that I am really going to be in trouble some day. Then there was a moment of silence and I could tell she was thinking...hard. She looks up at me and says "They my boyfriend." Yup. There it is. I can not believe I am dealing with this at the tender age of 3.
This morning we go to daycare and I ask the teacher which one Ian is, who by the way isn't named Ian at all. His name is Aiden. She points out this little blonde hair blue eyed boy. And I ask the teacher about Alex. She replies "Alex isn't here today. Why do you ask?" So I explain the whole boyfriend conversation the night before. When I look around I realize Olivia has made her way over to the computer and is sitting next to her best (or is he the 2nd best?) boyfriend Ian. I lean over to give her a kiss and she promptly pushes me back with a stern "Leave me alone!". Apparently I cramp her style.
I make my way to the door of the classroom feeling a little deflated from the obvious and very public shunning from my 3 year old and just as I turn the knob I hear "Mommy!!". Here Olivia comes running across the room and asking for a kiss. I lean down, kiss her and just in the lowest voice she has she mumbles "I love you".
Ah, she may be 3. And she may have 2 boyfriends. She still loves me though. I am not sure what I am in for, or how many more of these boyfriend conversations we'll be having throughout the years but I am sure of two things. One, even when she doesn't want her boyfriend to see it, she still loves me. And two, one day Alex, or Ian, or whatever guy happens to really make her grin, will be a lucky guy indeed. She really is awesome.
So we're sitting outside, chatting about nothing really when she looks at me and says "I like Ian." I ask her if Ian is a friend from school and she replies yes with the tiniest little grin on her face. You know, kind of like the one you got when you had your first real crush in middle school? Yeah, it resembled that one. And she proceeds, "I like Alex." Oh dear. I ask is that another friend from school? Again, she shakes her head yes with that cheesy little grin that lets me know that I am really going to be in trouble some day. Then there was a moment of silence and I could tell she was thinking...hard. She looks up at me and says "They my boyfriend." Yup. There it is. I can not believe I am dealing with this at the tender age of 3.
This morning we go to daycare and I ask the teacher which one Ian is, who by the way isn't named Ian at all. His name is Aiden. She points out this little blonde hair blue eyed boy. And I ask the teacher about Alex. She replies "Alex isn't here today. Why do you ask?" So I explain the whole boyfriend conversation the night before. When I look around I realize Olivia has made her way over to the computer and is sitting next to her best (or is he the 2nd best?) boyfriend Ian. I lean over to give her a kiss and she promptly pushes me back with a stern "Leave me alone!". Apparently I cramp her style.
I make my way to the door of the classroom feeling a little deflated from the obvious and very public shunning from my 3 year old and just as I turn the knob I hear "Mommy!!". Here Olivia comes running across the room and asking for a kiss. I lean down, kiss her and just in the lowest voice she has she mumbles "I love you".
Ah, she may be 3. And she may have 2 boyfriends. She still loves me though. I am not sure what I am in for, or how many more of these boyfriend conversations we'll be having throughout the years but I am sure of two things. One, even when she doesn't want her boyfriend to see it, she still loves me. And two, one day Alex, or Ian, or whatever guy happens to really make her grin, will be a lucky guy indeed. She really is awesome.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
On the Move!
Well, I am back. A lot has happened since my last post and it's really damn hard to even touch where I have been these last few months. The truth is, I have been everywhere. I have been up, down and everywhere in between.
My marriage failed. It's a hard thing to say, because anyone who has ever been here knows that it's not really the marriage that failed, but rather the people in the marriage that failed. It's not an easy pill to swallow, but it certainly it what it is. One thing that I have learned is that in the end it doesn't matter who's fault it was. It just doesn't matter. Both parties have failed, and both parties have lost something equally precious, whether they know it or not.
But the fact still remains that it's over. Not without good reason. Not without thousands of hours and the buckets of tears that led me to that point. Not without the moment of hesitation and immense fear that the decision made was the wrong one. Even with all that, it's still over.
So now I am picking up the pieces. Liv and I are searching for better things and even though the reality of what has happened still stings like the air on a cold February morning, we are okay.
I think the thing that amazes me the most about something terrible happening is that something good can always come of it. Every day I look for the positive and every day I know just how blessed I am. Sure, sometimes I have a bad day and wonder why in the hell things didn't end up as I intended them to be but then I think does it really happen like that for anyone? Why in the world would I expect my universe to be so entirely perfect compared to anyone else? I certainly am not going to waste time feeling sorry for myself.
My marriage may have failed. Admittedly, I may have failed. All I really know is this failure has opened so many doors for me that "success" threatened to keep nailed shut forever, so it's hard to regret the mistakes I made. Sometimes life sucks; things don't end up the way you thought they would. It doesn't really mean they ended the wrong way though.
I may have failed. So what? I'm up, I'm smiling, and I am heading for that open door. Life is too short.
My marriage failed. It's a hard thing to say, because anyone who has ever been here knows that it's not really the marriage that failed, but rather the people in the marriage that failed. It's not an easy pill to swallow, but it certainly it what it is. One thing that I have learned is that in the end it doesn't matter who's fault it was. It just doesn't matter. Both parties have failed, and both parties have lost something equally precious, whether they know it or not.
But the fact still remains that it's over. Not without good reason. Not without thousands of hours and the buckets of tears that led me to that point. Not without the moment of hesitation and immense fear that the decision made was the wrong one. Even with all that, it's still over.
So now I am picking up the pieces. Liv and I are searching for better things and even though the reality of what has happened still stings like the air on a cold February morning, we are okay.
I think the thing that amazes me the most about something terrible happening is that something good can always come of it. Every day I look for the positive and every day I know just how blessed I am. Sure, sometimes I have a bad day and wonder why in the hell things didn't end up as I intended them to be but then I think does it really happen like that for anyone? Why in the world would I expect my universe to be so entirely perfect compared to anyone else? I certainly am not going to waste time feeling sorry for myself.
My marriage may have failed. Admittedly, I may have failed. All I really know is this failure has opened so many doors for me that "success" threatened to keep nailed shut forever, so it's hard to regret the mistakes I made. Sometimes life sucks; things don't end up the way you thought they would. It doesn't really mean they ended the wrong way though.
I may have failed. So what? I'm up, I'm smiling, and I am heading for that open door. Life is too short.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
By Request
Well, here I am. I intended on hitting the sack early tonight (yeah right!) but as I was waiting for my dear darling daughter to finally land in her sugar coma a dear friend reminded me that I haven't written in days. Actually, she is family but I consider her to be more of a friend, because even if she weren't family I would still talk to her :)
It's been a rough few days for me. My grandmother is in the hospital again and even through her wheezing, she makes time to dance a little in her chair. I laugh on the outside, smiling at the wonder that is my Meemaw, but inside I am terrified. I am terrified to see her sick like she was before. Terrified to imagine my life without her. I can't even begin to wonder what holidays would be like, or even a seemingly simple Sunday. In so many ways she is me, and I am her. In everything I say and everything I do, she is there, nestled in her own little compartment in my heart.
Too many times this last month I have been reminded of how fragile life is, and how quickly things change. In the blink of an eye lives are lost, leaving those left behind angry and confused. Those little compartments in their hearts remain full, and everything they do and say still radiates that person who is no longer here. To laugh with, dance with, to spend Sundays with.
But, if they are in everything we do, and everything we say, and stay tucked away in our hearts just the same as when they were here, have we really lost them then?
Have we......??
It's been a rough few days for me. My grandmother is in the hospital again and even through her wheezing, she makes time to dance a little in her chair. I laugh on the outside, smiling at the wonder that is my Meemaw, but inside I am terrified. I am terrified to see her sick like she was before. Terrified to imagine my life without her. I can't even begin to wonder what holidays would be like, or even a seemingly simple Sunday. In so many ways she is me, and I am her. In everything I say and everything I do, she is there, nestled in her own little compartment in my heart.
Too many times this last month I have been reminded of how fragile life is, and how quickly things change. In the blink of an eye lives are lost, leaving those left behind angry and confused. Those little compartments in their hearts remain full, and everything they do and say still radiates that person who is no longer here. To laugh with, dance with, to spend Sundays with.
But, if they are in everything we do, and everything we say, and stay tucked away in our hearts just the same as when they were here, have we really lost them then?
Have we......??
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I have decided to quit smoking. Currently I am on my last pack in what I call the "mental preparation" stage. This is the stage where I think about the fact that I am smoking my very last pack of smokes and I hyperventilate slightly and light another up, since coincidentally smoking is how I handle change. Man, I am screwed!
I began smoking when I was 15. It started with some friends after school, just trying to be cool. I remember the first time I really smoked, you know, where I lit my very own cig and smoked it all by myself. Inhaling and all. I remember it because when I got home I spent the next 4 hours in bed, begging myself not to puke. For some reason though, I went back for more the next day.
Smoking is also something I hold dear to my heart. I know that sounds weird, but here's why. My grandmother was the first family member I ever smoked with. Somehow this became our bond and our relationship which is like no other I have had with anyone else blossomed over The Young and the Restless and a pack of smokes. Even when she fell ill with lung cancer and quit after 50 years I felt I owed it to her to keep smoking. Again, I am sure that seems weird since she was ill with cancer and it should make me want to quit, but it didnt. Part of me felt that if I gave it up, I would be giving up that bond too. I felt that all those memories we had, just the two of us smoking and telling stories would be gone. I thought if the cancer killed her, at least I would still have that part of her and everytime I lit one up I would think of her.
Finally giving it up is bittersweet for me. It's good because I know that if there is one thing she would like to see before the lord takes her is that hopefully I will not go through what she did. Maybe that is what I owe her before it's too late. The bitter part of it is that I am not really giving it up for her. I simply can not afford it anymore.
Starting in April a pack of brand name smokes her in Maryland will be $6.99 plus tax. At a pack a day, that's nearly $8.00. Times that by two (hubby smokes as well) and we are investing $16.00 a day to essentially commit suicide. Truth be told, if I had that kind of money it probably wouldn't bother me though. Only poor people look for cheap ways of killing themselves. Maybe I will buy a motorcycle with the money I am saving.
So, goodbye cigarettes. You will be missed.
And to my dear Meem as I light my last, this one is for you....
I began smoking when I was 15. It started with some friends after school, just trying to be cool. I remember the first time I really smoked, you know, where I lit my very own cig and smoked it all by myself. Inhaling and all. I remember it because when I got home I spent the next 4 hours in bed, begging myself not to puke. For some reason though, I went back for more the next day.
Smoking is also something I hold dear to my heart. I know that sounds weird, but here's why. My grandmother was the first family member I ever smoked with. Somehow this became our bond and our relationship which is like no other I have had with anyone else blossomed over The Young and the Restless and a pack of smokes. Even when she fell ill with lung cancer and quit after 50 years I felt I owed it to her to keep smoking. Again, I am sure that seems weird since she was ill with cancer and it should make me want to quit, but it didnt. Part of me felt that if I gave it up, I would be giving up that bond too. I felt that all those memories we had, just the two of us smoking and telling stories would be gone. I thought if the cancer killed her, at least I would still have that part of her and everytime I lit one up I would think of her.
Finally giving it up is bittersweet for me. It's good because I know that if there is one thing she would like to see before the lord takes her is that hopefully I will not go through what she did. Maybe that is what I owe her before it's too late. The bitter part of it is that I am not really giving it up for her. I simply can not afford it anymore.
Starting in April a pack of brand name smokes her in Maryland will be $6.99 plus tax. At a pack a day, that's nearly $8.00. Times that by two (hubby smokes as well) and we are investing $16.00 a day to essentially commit suicide. Truth be told, if I had that kind of money it probably wouldn't bother me though. Only poor people look for cheap ways of killing themselves. Maybe I will buy a motorcycle with the money I am saving.
So, goodbye cigarettes. You will be missed.
And to my dear Meem as I light my last, this one is for you....
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The moments of speaking and someone actually listening to you (and I mean really listening, anyone can HEAR you) are so few and far between. They are caught up in their own lives, their own personal messes that it just seems to be a world where people don't really listen anymore. In one ear, out the other.
My daughter for instance, she hears me. In one ear and out the other. It takes 5 minutes tops before she is back to doing the next thing to annoy me. I can't really blame her, she is only 3. What is everyone else's excuse though?
I too am guilty of just hearing people. I shake my head, and smile. Then I walk away and think to myself "What the hell did he/she just say?".
Perfect example, my aunt called last week to keep me in the loop about their plans to take a trip to New York. Poor circumstances and I just wanted to make sure that my grandfather was taken care of while she was away. The conversation went something like this:
Aunt: "We are leaving on Friday around noon."
Me: "Okay..."
Aunt: "Your cousin is picking up Pop and bringing him to the party."
Me: "Uh huh."
Aunt: "And your dad will stay with him Sunday night."
Me: "Ah, gotcha. Thanks for keeping me in the loop."
I proceed to tell her all about the new puppies that are just a couple days old and all about the birth. We wish each other well and say goodbye.
So the next day I am talking to my mom and confirm she will be coming to the party. The conversation went like this:
Me: "Just wanted to make sure you're coming to the party still."
Mom: "Yes, it's at 2 right?"
Me: "Yep, but you'll have to leave early since you and dad are picking up Pop and bringing him."
Mom: "What? Oh I am going to kill him!! He is always doing stuff like this without asking. I need to go cool off. I will talk to you later!"
Me: "Um, okay."
Mom: "Click!"
(She hangs up the phone angrily)
So after she hangs up, I am thinking for a minute feeling like maybe I missed something. That's when the conversation between me and Aunt starts replaying in my head and I remember that it wasn't Dad picking up Pop, it was my cousin picking up Pop. Oops!
I call mom back in a frenzie. She isn't answering. I call dad to warn him of the unintentional wrath of crap coming his way. He isn't answering. All I am thinking is crap, this is what I get for not listening!!
But that's what I am talking about. How many times do we really listen to someone?? I mean remove all the distractions around us and within us to give someone our complete undivided attention?
Purposely try it sometime. You might be amazed how much you hear someone and how infrequently you actually listen. As I am writing this, I am thinking about how I need to get up and go get my daughter whatever the heck it is she asked for 10 minutes ago...Oops!
My daughter for instance, she hears me. In one ear and out the other. It takes 5 minutes tops before she is back to doing the next thing to annoy me. I can't really blame her, she is only 3. What is everyone else's excuse though?
I too am guilty of just hearing people. I shake my head, and smile. Then I walk away and think to myself "What the hell did he/she just say?".
Perfect example, my aunt called last week to keep me in the loop about their plans to take a trip to New York. Poor circumstances and I just wanted to make sure that my grandfather was taken care of while she was away. The conversation went something like this:
Aunt: "We are leaving on Friday around noon."
Me: "Okay..."
Aunt: "Your cousin is picking up Pop and bringing him to the party."
Me: "Uh huh."
Aunt: "And your dad will stay with him Sunday night."
Me: "Ah, gotcha. Thanks for keeping me in the loop."
I proceed to tell her all about the new puppies that are just a couple days old and all about the birth. We wish each other well and say goodbye.
So the next day I am talking to my mom and confirm she will be coming to the party. The conversation went like this:
Me: "Just wanted to make sure you're coming to the party still."
Mom: "Yes, it's at 2 right?"
Me: "Yep, but you'll have to leave early since you and dad are picking up Pop and bringing him."
Mom: "What? Oh I am going to kill him!! He is always doing stuff like this without asking. I need to go cool off. I will talk to you later!"
Me: "Um, okay."
Mom: "Click!"
(She hangs up the phone angrily)
So after she hangs up, I am thinking for a minute feeling like maybe I missed something. That's when the conversation between me and Aunt starts replaying in my head and I remember that it wasn't Dad picking up Pop, it was my cousin picking up Pop. Oops!
I call mom back in a frenzie. She isn't answering. I call dad to warn him of the unintentional wrath of crap coming his way. He isn't answering. All I am thinking is crap, this is what I get for not listening!!
But that's what I am talking about. How many times do we really listen to someone?? I mean remove all the distractions around us and within us to give someone our complete undivided attention?
Purposely try it sometime. You might be amazed how much you hear someone and how infrequently you actually listen. As I am writing this, I am thinking about how I need to get up and go get my daughter whatever the heck it is she asked for 10 minutes ago...Oops!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Jared
I was thinking about an old friend today. I wanted to post this, just to remind myself that I haven't forgotten. Bear with me, I wrote this when I was 15 and I am writing it strictly from memory today since the original was lost many years ago.
*Jared*
I saw you
and said hello with a smile,
though as we crossed paths though I couldn't help but think
doesn't that boy have anything better to do?
He is always walking down the street,
smoking his cigarrette and dragging his feet.
I was there when they pulled you out of the woods,
one women shook her head and said
it's no suprise,
he was never any good.
He was always walking down the street,
smoking his cigarette and dragging his feet.
Things aren't the same since you went away,
it seems like a dream
so much left unsaid.
I look out the window and silently pray....
Please god let him be walking down the street,
smoking his cigarette and dragging his feet.
***RIP Jared. You are not forgotten.***
*Jared*
I saw you
and said hello with a smile,
though as we crossed paths though I couldn't help but think
doesn't that boy have anything better to do?
He is always walking down the street,
smoking his cigarrette and dragging his feet.
I was there when they pulled you out of the woods,
one women shook her head and said
it's no suprise,
he was never any good.
He was always walking down the street,
smoking his cigarette and dragging his feet.
Things aren't the same since you went away,
it seems like a dream
so much left unsaid.
I look out the window and silently pray....
Please god let him be walking down the street,
smoking his cigarette and dragging his feet.
***RIP Jared. You are not forgotten.***
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