Doctor Knows Best

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. Because I always wait until the last minute to schedule appointments that should have been scheduled months prior, I had to see someone other than my normal doctor, as he was booked until December.

As I walked into the building and signed in at the front desk, I still wasn't sure who I was scheduled to see. I flipped through a few magazines, none of which were very interesting to me(Ebony and Arthritis Today really don't have many articles that apply to a single, white 26 year old mom, imagine that!). I was called back and the nurse informed me I would be seeing Dr. Berlin. Finally, at least I had a name. Seeing a new doc is always a little nerve wracking especially when you are practically on a first name basis with your regular doc. The nurse took my weight and vitals and let me know Dr. Berlin would be in soon.

I waited. And waited. Thoughts bounced back and forth in my head. First it was the fact that doctors offices are always white and filled with fluorescent lights which make my eyes hurt. I hate that! Then it was about how this particular office smelled like a funeral home. It must have been the fresh flowers in the waiting room, but there is definitely something about that smell in a doctors office that causes a little anxiety. Then it was about life as I know it these days. Olivia and I on our own. Working hard to pay rent and daycare and struggling from week to week to do so. Then I thought about how it's becoming really hard to remember my life 6 months ago. It seems every day that passes I lose a little piece of the past. I've forgotten what it was like for him and I to share a bed. I've forgotten what it was like to have to share the sink in the morning so I could brush my teeth while he shaved. It's all starting to feel surreal as time passes, like a dream almost. I became a little sad thinking about the time I sat in that very office, that very room even, when I was pregnant with our child. My heart started to ache a little.

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally heard a knock on the door and Dr. Berlin entered. He was a man in his 60's, tall and slender with silvery white hair. Not at all what I was expecting. My first thought was that he had been practicing medicine longer than I have been alive. He was a nice man, immediately I was comfortable with him. There was a warmness in his smile that you rarely see with doctors these days, it's usually all very procedure.

He made small talk as he reviewed my chart. He talked about his 4 kids, who are now grown, and I talked about Olivia. He asked how many more I planned on having and immediately I blurted out that I wish I could have at least 6, but I was sure finances wouldn't allow that. He chuckled and talked about how he never wanted a big family but love took over and he and his wife of 40 years were blessed with 4. He then asked the question I hoped he wouldn't...did my husband want a big family? In true Aimee fashion, the awkwardness caused me to make a really bad joke when I explained that my husband did in fact want a big family.... just not with me.

It's still very hard for me to tell people that I am no longer together with my husband. For months I have been bombarded with forms that ask you to check your marital status. I am not sure what to check.

Can't check married.
Can't check divorced.
Single? At least not where the IRS is concerned.
Widowed? Definitely not.

When I find myself with one of these forms I become annoyed and think to myself, why in the hell don't they have an "It's Complicated" selection like Facebook?? The least they could do is give a 'Separated' option. The majority of the forms I have come across do not though. Apparently you're either Married, Divorced, Single, or Widowed.

He saw the hurt in my eyes as I struggled to find the words to explain what happened in my marriage. Truth is, there really are no words for it. He gently placed my chart on the desk, took a few steps toward me and placed his hand on my shoulder. He explained that he and his wife had some very rough times when they were young. He was going through medical school, they were raising small children, and they were drowning in debt. He went on to explain that even through those hard times, he knew just how lucky he was to have this woman that loved him more than life itself and how everyday for the last 40 years he has thanked god that she picked him. And with the most genuine look in his eyes he stated that every person deserves to have that kind of love. And every person should hold out for it. Wait for it.

And just like that, in an instant, he restored my faith in the fact that it is out there. That kind of love exists. I just have to wait for it.

There's something about finally realizing things about yourself that you didn't realize before. Certain personality traits and little quirks that make you who you are but somehow everyone seems to see it but you.

Lately I have been taking all these Facebook quizzes and the pattern is nearly disturbing. Every quiz I take seems to point to that fact that I am a pushover who apparently lives in my own little fairytale world and that is why I am destined to never find happiness....because the happiness I seek doesn't exist and because I am too busy being a doormat to get what I want and need. Hmm.

Here's two of those tests.

How high maintenance are you? The result- A Doormat
"You aren't just easy to please, you're eager to please....When things are clicking you view the world as a positive place, but when things go badly you blame yourself."

What personality trait stands out most in you? The result- Romance
"Your fantasizing can make you oblivious to the world around you...."

Test after test, I get more of these same results. Now, of course I know that there is absolutely no scientific method to these quizzes and they almost always should be taken with a grain of salt. They are for entertainment purposes only. I am not sure who's entertainment at this point; they stopped being funny to me after I realized that I was a doormat, but I suppose my Facebook friends are still getting a kick out of the results.

Anyhow, back to the fact that the quizzes aren't based off of any truth. Yesterday get a message from a friend commenting on all these quiz results and how they have never seen them so accurate and consistent for any one person. Gee, thanks.

And now I am thinking about all the times my mom said that I am a doormat, or that I live in a fairytale world and I am destined to be disappointed. I guess she's right. I guess my friend is right. I guess facebook is right, too.

I have always been the type of person that was proud that I could live my life free of skepticism and always think so positively and believe in the fairytale. It's something I believed in and I really thought it was out there. Now my faith is shaking. Maybe it isn't out there. Maybe I am the doormat that is always going to love the guy that sees how badly he can treat me and how far I will go to please him.

Either way, I think I need to stay away from Facebook quizzes for awhile.

Arg! This week has been rough. It's not that anything has happened to make it rough, it's just been one of those weeks you wish you could fast forward through and pretend didn't actually happen.

It's been a few nights of hardly sleeping at all, followed by one night of falling into an absolute coma. The problem is, the night that I actually slept I woke up feeling worse than I did the nights that I didn't. I realize that this is an issue, because I am drained. My body is screaming for good sleep, the dark circles under my eyes say so. I just can't seem to get into a good pattern. Somehow even when I do sleep, the worries of my current situation sneak into my dreams and won't allow me to be peaceful even for a second.

Olivia. I love her, really I do. This week though she has had a few moments that really make me want to jump off the roof. Last night after giving her the ice cream she HAD to have, she took a mouth full of whipped cream and proceeded to spit it onto the floor. THANK GOD mama gets a much needed break this weekend. I sense that she is just as tired of me and is aiming to get under my skin at this point.

Work. Ok, not work so much as the damn commute to work. Not sure what the deal is but it seems like every asshole is suddenly back from vacation and causing the stupid traffic jams you don't normally see in the summer. I hate traffic. I hate the stupid accidents that cause traffic. I hate the 2 hour commute I have because of the stupid accidents. I hate the stupid people that cause the stupid accidents. I wish they would go back on vacation and give me a few more weeks of an easy commute before summer ends.

This leads me to my next annoyance...fall! I really dislike fall. Everything dies and is a constant reminder of the fact that winter is coming, which would be great if there were actual snow to look forward too. Instead though, we deal with temperatures cold enough to make you not want to get out of bed in the morning, but not quite cold enough to actually give us more than a dusting of snow. Fall is nothing more then the bearer of bad news.

All I'm really saying is that I just want to sleep like a normal person, not be frustrated with my daughter, and have a few more weeks of summer and no traffic. I don't think I am asking too much.

One more day and then on to the weekend at which time I am going to nap away this terrible outlook I have this week and replace it with a more positive one next week. That's the plan anyway.

Happiness

For a long time I have always heard from the people closest to me that my problem is I never put myself first. I am always trying to take care and worry about other people and that is why I could never find my own happiness. For the last few months I have stepped out of that role (as much as I can), took their advice and began focusing on what it is that I want. Now I remember why exactly I have always been so inclined to ignore my own needs and worry about others.

When you worry about taking care of other people and trying to help them, sometimes it backfires and comes back to bite you, but as a general rule, it just feels good. I love being that person that people want to talk to about their problems. Or that person that people can rely on for a hug and some sympathy. I truly believe there is good in everybody and every one starts off with the best of intentions, and people know that. When they have done something bad they know by coming to me I can show them that silver lining and assure them that they are a good person still. I love that I can make someones day a little better.

When you worry about yourself and your own happiness though...whole different ballgame. It's not as easy as one would think. First, you have to decide what it is that makes you happy. Don't get me started on that. It takes me an hour to pick out what to have for lunch for gods sake. Deciding on the right course of action for happiness is about as tough as it gets! Then you have to put all the wheels in motion to get it once you know what 'it' is. This is the tricky part. Let's just assume that I know what it is that I want, however, everything that I want is completely dependent on something other than yourself. Great. I know what I want but now I have absolutely no course of action to obtain it because wouldn't you know it, it's just a smidgen out of reach. Of course it is. That's kind of where I am at right now. I feel like everything I want and whether or not I get it is completely not up to me.

I want off of this crazy train. I was happier when Aimee came last and I found a whole lot of joy in helping everyone else. Besides, true happiness isn't something that should be a quest. It should show up in the form of an unexpected surprise, or the feeling in your heart when your kid learns to finally whistle.

Only fools let their happiness depend solely on what their ideas of happiness should be and whether or not they obtain just that. And I am no fool....

Single Mom In Search Of....

Newly single mom has part-time positions available.There is no pay involved but I would like to think spending time around the wonder that is me is payment enough.

Vacant Positions are as follows:

Trash Man- Part-time work Monday and Thursday nights. No real skill involved, just move the cans from the front porch to the street without breaking a bag all over the front steps (as I have done twice in the last month). If you break it, you clean it.

Landscaper- I no longer have a riding mower or weed whacker. I do have a push mower, but no gas can or gas. This position will require that you bring your own tools. I am perfectly capable of completing this task on my own however, it's August, and it's hot. I think a man might be better able to work under these conditions. Last time I attempted this I drank 6 bottles of water and blacked out for a brief period of time.

Mechanic- I do know how to put oil in my car myself, and so far that has worked. I am afraid though that the simple fact that I am going through 4 quarts of oil a week could be signaling a more serious problem.
Also, when I am running late for work in the morning and I hit about 80 mph on the highway, the car starts to shake violently. It's not possible for me to slow down, don't ask. Just come and fix my car.

Disciplinarian- In great need of a dominant male figure willing to be the bad guy so that I can remain the favorite. Most needed around 9pm as bedtime is approaching. Must have firm tone and ability to not laugh when a 3 year old puts her hand on her hip and demands that you, 'Weave her awone!!'.
This is a temporary position for the next year or so, but once the teenage years approach the possibility of a long term opportunity is very likely.

More positions to be added on an as needed basis. Please check back frequently. Again, all positions come with zero pay, no benefits and are on an at-will basis only. I have found that this is really the best solution for all parties involved since at some point you probably will become a pain in my ass, or I will want to hire someone else on a more permanent basis.

Please email all resumes and salary requirements (Remember, there is none. My smiling face should be enough.) to me. No phone inquiries please. Do not apply in person. Interviews by appointment only.

Are you kidding me?

Sleep. It really is a luxury these days. As a matter of fact, I am fairly certain I slept better as a newborn baby then what I do now. I have actually become used to functioning on very little sleep, but really, no one can function like that for very long. Eventually you're going to crash.

Last night, 9pm. I was sleepy, but I had to get my school work done. 10pm, no longer sleepy. Great. 11pm, surfing the internet and talking to Pam. 12pm, the whole house is quiet, and I am still not sleepy. 12:30, force myself to go to bed. 1am, after tossing and turning for a half hour I decide it's time for tylenol PM. Somewhere between 1 and 2am, I finally fall asleep. In and out of sleep for the next 2 hours, tossing and turning yet again. 4am, oh yes, 4am. This is the point in the night where I have woken up every night for the last 2 months. I hear the sounds of birds chirping which warns me daylight is near. 4:15 argue with myself for 10 minutes. Do I get up and get ready for work, or do I try and go back to sleep for another 2 hours?? 4:30, fall back asleep. 6:30 alarm goes off, I hit snooze unknowingly. 6:30-7:30, hit snooze 10 more times. 7:45, oh crap, I'm running late. Now fast forward to 10am, I am sitting at work, grumpy, tired and dreading seeing 4am yet again tonight. I know I will though. It won't matter whether I go to bed at 7, 11, or even 3am, you can bet I will be awake at 4.

In an attempt to make the best use of my time I wanted to let everyone know. If you have asked me for something and I have turned you down because I am too busy, too tired, or just plain lazy call me again and reschedule for 4am, I'm available.

Ah, Sunday!

It's Sunday. Sunday is always typically a relaxing day. A day to hang around the house, snuggle with your kid, clean, do laundry and prepare for the upcoming week. It seems as though every day, including Sunday lately, has come with it's own baggage which allows it to be anything but relaxing.

Not this Sunday. Today I was in a state of pure peace. I wasn't sad. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't busy trying to analyze every single detail of what is my life now. I was in a state of contentment. No worries. No feeling like the world was threatening to spin off it's axis if I didn't take quick action.

Liv and I woke up and we made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We ate and just laid around all day, happy to be home and happy that the weight of the world had been lifted, even if only for today. I am not sure where this came from to be honest. Every day has it's emotions and every day is different, but what I relief to have felt for the first time in months that we are exactly where we belong, at least for the time being.

Thank god for today.

The L Word

I saw an old friend today and heard yet another story of failed marriage. It seems these days I am coming across the same sad story all over the place. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl. Boy and girl fall deeply in love. Boy and girl get married. Within 3 years boy and girl are miserable, child in tow, and then the inevitable D word follows. It's really sad to me that this is happening to more people then just me.

It's even more sad that these are people that I know. People that hold the same ideals toward marriage that I do. People that always thought the first time would be the only time. And that the magic L word would see that nothing ever put them in that D category.

I have been giving thought to the idea that maybe what I am looking for doesn't actually exist. Is it so out there to think that you will find that one person that really does think the "sun shines out your ass"? Is it? No marriage is problem free. I get that. But is it unreasonable to think that problems aside, at the end of the day, your love should conquer all?

All I ever wanted was someone to just love me, no matter what. For someone to be with me for no reason other than that they couldn't fathom the idea of being without me. Faults and all. That even within the most imperfect marriage, ultimately a perfect love would still exist. And after 5, 10 or 40 years, that person would still look at you the same way they did the day you fell in love.

Of course, anyone who knows me knows I am a dreamer. Maybe my idea of love and marriage just isn't realistic. Maybe my heart aims so high that I will never find the love that I think I deserve. All I know is I would rather feel in my heart that it does exist and risk never finding it then to settle for less again and know that I will never find it.

It's gotta be out there.....

A Thank You!

It's been a long road. I have stumbled a few times, gotten back up just to fall right back down.

These days I am spending much more time up on my feet rather than face first in the dirt. I am really thankful for that. As I was reflecting this morning, I thought about all the people that have led me to this point and it occurred to me that maybe I haven't thanked them enough. Maybe they don't know how much they truly mean to me. With that being said, here's a list of the people that have had a hand in standing me back up again.

First, my roommate Pam. Words can't even describe what a god send she has been to me. She knows exactly what I am going through and somewhere in the middle of all my insanity she helps me see the truth. She encourages me to get out and meet the world that awaits when all I want to do sometimes is crawl back under the sheets and sleep through it. She is amazing.

Tom and Dawn...when I had nowhere to go they opened up their home and made Olivia and I feel at ease. I thank god every day for them because if they hadn't been there it would have been that much harder to continue down this path. I am happy, and it started with them.

Ralph, who is always there to give words of encouragement and remind me that I am strong. It's amazing how someone so far away can have such a great impact on your outlook and be a constant reminder that anything is possible.

Jae who has no idea that just the moments of playing scrabble and chatting take me out of my life for a second. I love that my biggest problem in that moment is finding a 7 letter word better then my record high of 72 points.

Most of all, my daughter. She makes it all worth while. All the tears and all the smiles. It's all been for her and everyday she rewards me with hugs and kisses by the truckload. It's impossible to not want to make this imperfect world completely perfect when I look at her. It might never happen, but she keeps me trying.

Of course, this is the short list. I could go on. My mom, my grandmother, sister, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. I am extremely blessed to have such a huge support system in my life. Even though times get tough and I feel like I am all alone, I know deep down I have my own little personal army pushing me ahead. I hope they know how loved and appreciated they really are.

Until Next Time

Today sucked. I have gotten so used to the good days outnumbering the bad that when one comes along, it socks me square in the gut. I have been dealing with sleep issues for a few weeks now so that has me drained anyway. Last night I had some other emotional stuff going on that I was still dealing with at the break of dawn.

Fast forward to this morning, I am on my way to work and I get a call from my husband. Apparently his morning wasn't any better then mine, and surely he is still struggling with his own emotional baggage. Combine two struggling, emotional people and there is bound to be fireworks.

I just get so tired of never knowing what to expect these days and even more that after 4 months I still get the lump in my throat that impedes my ability to say exactly what I am thinking the moment I am thinking it. I am just tired of letting someone have the ability to make my day go so incredibly worse than what it needs to be. It sucks to feel for days that I am doing so well and then be derailed by a not so good day that I have no control over.

I guess I am still learning to not let things bother me. Still learning to accept that someone else's bad day isn't my bad day. Still learning that there is nothing to fear any longer and that it is okay to have my own thoughts and opinions. I am still learning all that.

Luckily while I am still learning, it is in fact just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day, and the next. Until next time....

I Feel Bad

I noticed something today. There have been 3 songs that have carried me through the last 4 months and all 3 are by the same artist. Not only that, all 3 songs have strong similarities. All 3 are about moving on and becoming strong. All 3 focus more on the relief of the relationship being over versus the mourning of it.

I guess this is really how I feel. Yes, I think it sucks my marriage is over but I am not really mourning it. I am happier than I have been in years to be truly honest. I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds, and for once in a long time, I am not fearful. I know there are great things out there for me, and for him.

Below are the lyrics to "I Don't Feel Bad". A few days ago I posted the lyrics to "Movin' On". Both are by Rascal Flats. If anyone is interested in the 3rd song, it is also by Rascal Flatts titled "Stand".

It's amazing to me how all 3 of these songs encompass exactly everything that I have been feeling over these last four months and how it's so completely different then the emotions that most would think that I am feeling.

For anyone going through something similar to what I have gone through, I highly suggest listening to these picks. You will gather more strength from the lyrics and music then you have had in a long time.

"I Don't Feel Bad"

"I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me

I feel bad

That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad

I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page

I feel Bad

That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it

I feel bad

That I don't feel bitter,
alone
I just feel its time,
its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on and on

Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
baby I hate it

I feel bad that I don't feel bad

No, I don't feel bad"

-Rascal Flatts

Within Reach

Olivia and I went to the carnival again tonight. This is quickly becoming one of our favorite things to do. There is just something about seeing the look on her face when she is on the rides that just makes my heart overflow and for a minute it takes me back. I remember being that young and how everything was so exciting. Truth be told though, Olivia is much more daring than I ever was (or even still am!). She has no fear and it's quickly becoming something I admire about her. I have no doubt that one day she is going to take the world head on and do something really special.

Lately, I have been thinking of new things that I can do. As if school, work, and being a single mom aren't enough I have contemplated the idea of writing a book. If Tori Spelling can do it, I am sure I can!

I have also tossed around the idea of doing some charity work. I would love to volunteer my time at the hospital; a long time ago someone told me that they are always looking for people to come in and rock babies. Babies who were abandoned or born to drug addicted moms. Babies who are essentially all alone in the world and just need the caring touch of a warm body. I really think that is something I would like to do. Of course knowing me I will want to bring home all those sweet babies at the end of the day.

I guess I just feel like over the last couple years I was so absorbed in keeping my marriage together that I really neglected in doing things for myself and for others.

I look at Olivia and see her lack of fear and I guess it makes me not so scared to try different things and see that even at 26, I can still do something really special too. That's what I am reaching for, and I think I am well on my way.

The Pedal on the Right

I can't help but be a little angry at people sometimes. The same people that said they would be there for me when all this began are some of the same people so quick to judge about every single decision I make. People that I have never been where I am right now. People that have no clue what it's like to completely start over with a 3 year old in tow.

I can only imagine it must be rather easy from a distance to analyze the situation and pinpoint every little mistake that I might be making. All I can say to that is this; at this juncture in my life I have earned every right to make a few mistakes.

I am sitting in the middle of an intersection and signs are pointing me in every which direction. I could go left or right, straight ahead or possibly even turn around and go back. The point is, no matter which way I go every single path is going to come with it's own bumps. I don't know which road to take. Which one is going to be the least rocky, causing the least amount of bumps and bruises to both me and my daughter? I haven't a single clue. What I do know is this, I can sit still anymore. I have to put it in drive and hope that the road I am taking is the right one. I can't sit idle in the intersection any longer as the caution signs flash red and oncoming traffic threatens to pummel us. I have to keep moving.

It may be easy for some to see exactly which route I should take and it certainly would be easier for me to see if I had a map. All I have is myself, my child and the faith that even if I make a wrong turn somewhere along the road that I will eventually still arrive at my destination, safe and sound. Just because you make a few wrong turns doesn't mean you abandon the car and ditch on foot. I'm going to be fine. She's going to be fine.

All I need is a couple more tanks of gas and an open road. We'll get there.

I'm Movin' On

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see
life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone.......

I'm movin' on."

-Rascal Flatts