The Carnival

Pam, Sarah and I took Olivia to the carnival the other night. It was really amazing to see the smile on Olivia's face, she was so happy.

She got on all the rides, and even a few that aren't really for kids. By far, the scrambler was her favorite. She just laughed the whole time and at one point I could tell she wanted to throw up, but the smile never left her face. She rode her first roller coaster and she did it all by herself. She really has no fear, none at all. At one point during the night she spotted the bounce house so we walked over to it so she could jump for a few minutes. Now anyone that knows Olivia knows that she is tiny for her age. Well, the height requirement for the bounce house (and every other kiddie ride) was 35 inches. Olivia falls about 2 inches short of that and wouldnt you know it, the kid was allowed to get on the scrambler for god's sake, but the guy running the bounce house wouldn't let her jump. I couldn't believe it. She was so upset.

While I was riding one of the adult rides Pam took her over to play games and won her 3 fish! When we asked her what she wanted to name them, Olivia demanded one was named Jermaine. Now we have 3 fish. Jermaine, Michael and Tito. We're thinking of going back to get 2 more so we can complete the group.

Sarah sent me the pictures today and the one of her on the roller coaster truly make my heart swell. She was so brave. I can't believe how big she is getting. I definately want to make sure we do more stuff like this more often. We didn't get home until 11pm on a work night, but I think her and I both agree it was worth it!

Oh, boy!

I was sitting on the porch outside with Olivia last night. We weren't doing anything special. It was raining and dark out and we were just chatting. In the last few months I have been able to do this with her, and that is a huge thing since she really took a long time to develop in the speech area. Everything we talk about it still very basic. What color is this? How was your day? You know, nothing really in depth but I do enjoy her ability to answer my questions these days accurately. A few months ago if the answer wasn't no to everything, she just wouldnt respond at all.

So we're sitting outside, chatting about nothing really when she looks at me and says "I like Ian." I ask her if Ian is a friend from school and she replies yes with the tiniest little grin on her face. You know, kind of like the one you got when you had your first real crush in middle school? Yeah, it resembled that one. And she proceeds, "I like Alex." Oh dear. I ask is that another friend from school? Again, she shakes her head yes with that cheesy little grin that lets me know that I am really going to be in trouble some day. Then there was a moment of silence and I could tell she was thinking...hard. She looks up at me and says "They my boyfriend." Yup. There it is. I can not believe I am dealing with this at the tender age of 3.

This morning we go to daycare and I ask the teacher which one Ian is, who by the way isn't named Ian at all. His name is Aiden. She points out this little blonde hair blue eyed boy. And I ask the teacher about Alex. She replies "Alex isn't here today. Why do you ask?" So I explain the whole boyfriend conversation the night before. When I look around I realize Olivia has made her way over to the computer and is sitting next to her best (or is he the 2nd best?) boyfriend Ian. I lean over to give her a kiss and she promptly pushes me back with a stern "Leave me alone!". Apparently I cramp her style.

I make my way to the door of the classroom feeling a little deflated from the obvious and very public shunning from my 3 year old and just as I turn the knob I hear "Mommy!!". Here Olivia comes running across the room and asking for a kiss. I lean down, kiss her and just in the lowest voice she has she mumbles "I love you".

Ah, she may be 3. And she may have 2 boyfriends. She still loves me though. I am not sure what I am in for, or how many more of these boyfriend conversations we'll be having throughout the years but I am sure of two things. One, even when she doesn't want her boyfriend to see it, she still loves me. And two, one day Alex, or Ian, or whatever guy happens to really make her grin, will be a lucky guy indeed. She really is awesome.

On the Move!

Well, I am back. A lot has happened since my last post and it's really damn hard to even touch where I have been these last few months. The truth is, I have been everywhere. I have been up, down and everywhere in between.

My marriage failed. It's a hard thing to say, because anyone who has ever been here knows that it's not really the marriage that failed, but rather the people in the marriage that failed. It's not an easy pill to swallow, but it certainly it what it is. One thing that I have learned is that in the end it doesn't matter who's fault it was. It just doesn't matter. Both parties have failed, and both parties have lost something equally precious, whether they know it or not.

But the fact still remains that it's over. Not without good reason. Not without thousands of hours and the buckets of tears that led me to that point. Not without the moment of hesitation and immense fear that the decision made was the wrong one. Even with all that, it's still over.

So now I am picking up the pieces. Liv and I are searching for better things and even though the reality of what has happened still stings like the air on a cold February morning, we are okay.

I think the thing that amazes me the most about something terrible happening is that something good can always come of it. Every day I look for the positive and every day I know just how blessed I am. Sure, sometimes I have a bad day and wonder why in the hell things didn't end up as I intended them to be but then I think does it really happen like that for anyone? Why in the world would I expect my universe to be so entirely perfect compared to anyone else? I certainly am not going to waste time feeling sorry for myself.

My marriage may have failed. Admittedly, I may have failed. All I really know is this failure has opened so many doors for me that "success" threatened to keep nailed shut forever, so it's hard to regret the mistakes I made. Sometimes life sucks; things don't end up the way you thought they would. It doesn't really mean they ended the wrong way though.

I may have failed. So what? I'm up, I'm smiling, and I am heading for that open door. Life is too short.