BAH!

One word- BAHHHHH!!!!!!

Okay, I am pretty sure BAH! isn't a word however it's the only thing I can think of right now. I have been pressuring myself to post something these last few weeks and everything I can think of starts with 'Damn', 'Shit' or 'Fuck'. I am in a relatively good mood (in comparison to the last few weeks) today so 'BAH!' it is. Pretty sure there is still nothing bright or uplifting about it, but really what do you expect?

I am rolling up on 6 months since the split. 6 months! I don't know where the time went. It's occurred to me that in 6 months I have done very little to cope with the realization that my marriage is over. I have just plowed forward, never stopping for too long to take a look back at where I came from. This has proven to be my biggest mistake. Instead of dealing with it I went into autopilot mode, never allowing myself to feel any one thing for too long. It certainly is explainable that all of a sudden it's hit me like a mack truck square in the gut.

These last few weeks have been extremely tough on me. I am teetering on regret and sitting at the intersection of depressed and hopeless. I sit here and think, where did this come from? How does one go to the girl I was 3 months ago to who I am now?! I am burnt out. I wish I could just crawl in bed and sleep the next 6 months away. Of course I can't, but it certainly would be nice.

This morning I got out of bed, the lump in my throat more swollen than yesterday. I took a big gulp and swallowed it down reminding myself that every big event starts with a small baby step. So here it is. My first post in a few weeks and also my small baby step toward getting back on track. I can't say it feels great, but it's something.