By Request

Well, here I am. I intended on hitting the sack early tonight (yeah right!) but as I was waiting for my dear darling daughter to finally land in her sugar coma a dear friend reminded me that I haven't written in days. Actually, she is family but I consider her to be more of a friend, because even if she weren't family I would still talk to her :)

It's been a rough few days for me. My grandmother is in the hospital again and even through her wheezing, she makes time to dance a little in her chair. I laugh on the outside, smiling at the wonder that is my Meemaw, but inside I am terrified. I am terrified to see her sick like she was before. Terrified to imagine my life without her. I can't even begin to wonder what holidays would be like, or even a seemingly simple Sunday. In so many ways she is me, and I am her. In everything I say and everything I do, she is there, nestled in her own little compartment in my heart.

Too many times this last month I have been reminded of how fragile life is, and how quickly things change. In the blink of an eye lives are lost, leaving those left behind angry and confused. Those little compartments in their hearts remain full, and everything they do and say still radiates that person who is no longer here. To laugh with, dance with, to spend Sundays with.

But, if they are in everything we do, and everything we say, and stay tucked away in our hearts just the same as when they were here, have we really lost them then?

Have we......??

I have decided to quit smoking. Currently I am on my last pack in what I call the "mental preparation" stage. This is the stage where I think about the fact that I am smoking my very last pack of smokes and I hyperventilate slightly and light another up, since coincidentally smoking is how I handle change. Man, I am screwed!

I began smoking when I was 15. It started with some friends after school, just trying to be cool. I remember the first time I really smoked, you know, where I lit my very own cig and smoked it all by myself. Inhaling and all. I remember it because when I got home I spent the next 4 hours in bed, begging myself not to puke. For some reason though, I went back for more the next day.

Smoking is also something I hold dear to my heart. I know that sounds weird, but here's why. My grandmother was the first family member I ever smoked with. Somehow this became our bond and our relationship which is like no other I have had with anyone else blossomed over The Young and the Restless and a pack of smokes. Even when she fell ill with lung cancer and quit after 50 years I felt I owed it to her to keep smoking. Again, I am sure that seems weird since she was ill with cancer and it should make me want to quit, but it didnt. Part of me felt that if I gave it up, I would be giving up that bond too. I felt that all those memories we had, just the two of us smoking and telling stories would be gone. I thought if the cancer killed her, at least I would still have that part of her and everytime I lit one up I would think of her.

Finally giving it up is bittersweet for me. It's good because I know that if there is one thing she would like to see before the lord takes her is that hopefully I will not go through what she did. Maybe that is what I owe her before it's too late. The bitter part of it is that I am not really giving it up for her. I simply can not afford it anymore.

Starting in April a pack of brand name smokes her in Maryland will be $6.99 plus tax. At a pack a day, that's nearly $8.00. Times that by two (hubby smokes as well) and we are investing $16.00 a day to essentially commit suicide. Truth be told, if I had that kind of money it probably wouldn't bother me though. Only poor people look for cheap ways of killing themselves. Maybe I will buy a motorcycle with the money I am saving.

So, goodbye cigarettes. You will be missed.
And to my dear Meem as I light my last, this one is for you....

The moments of speaking and someone actually listening to you (and I mean really listening, anyone can HEAR you) are so few and far between. They are caught up in their own lives, their own personal messes that it just seems to be a world where people don't really listen anymore. In one ear, out the other.

My daughter for instance, she hears me. In one ear and out the other. It takes 5 minutes tops before she is back to doing the next thing to annoy me. I can't really blame her, she is only 3. What is everyone else's excuse though?

I too am guilty of just hearing people. I shake my head, and smile. Then I walk away and think to myself "What the hell did he/she just say?".

Perfect example, my aunt called last week to keep me in the loop about their plans to take a trip to New York. Poor circumstances and I just wanted to make sure that my grandfather was taken care of while she was away. The conversation went something like this:

Aunt: "We are leaving on Friday around noon."

Me: "Okay..."

Aunt: "Your cousin is picking up Pop and bringing him to the party."

Me: "Uh huh."

Aunt: "And your dad will stay with him Sunday night."

Me: "Ah, gotcha. Thanks for keeping me in the loop."

I proceed to tell her all about the new puppies that are just a couple days old and all about the birth. We wish each other well and say goodbye.

So the next day I am talking to my mom and confirm she will be coming to the party. The conversation went like this:

Me: "Just wanted to make sure you're coming to the party still."

Mom: "Yes, it's at 2 right?"

Me: "Yep, but you'll have to leave early since you and dad are picking up Pop and bringing him."

Mom: "What? Oh I am going to kill him!! He is always doing stuff like this without asking. I need to go cool off. I will talk to you later!"

Me: "Um, okay."

Mom: "Click!"
(She hangs up the phone angrily)

So after she hangs up, I am thinking for a minute feeling like maybe I missed something. That's when the conversation between me and Aunt starts replaying in my head and I remember that it wasn't Dad picking up Pop, it was my cousin picking up Pop. Oops!

I call mom back in a frenzie. She isn't answering. I call dad to warn him of the unintentional wrath of crap coming his way. He isn't answering. All I am thinking is crap, this is what I get for not listening!!

But that's what I am talking about. How many times do we really listen to someone?? I mean remove all the distractions around us and within us to give someone our complete undivided attention?

Purposely try it sometime. You might be amazed how much you hear someone and how infrequently you actually listen. As I am writing this, I am thinking about how I need to get up and go get my daughter whatever the heck it is she asked for 10 minutes ago...Oops!

Jared

I was thinking about an old friend today. I wanted to post this, just to remind myself that I haven't forgotten. Bear with me, I wrote this when I was 15 and I am writing it strictly from memory today since the original was lost many years ago.

*Jared*

I saw you
and said hello with a smile,
though as we crossed paths though I couldn't help but think
doesn't that boy have anything better to do?

He is always walking down the street,
smoking his cigarrette and dragging his feet.

I was there when they pulled you out of the woods,
one women shook her head and said
it's no suprise,
he was never any good.

He was always walking down the street,
smoking his cigarette and dragging his feet.

Things aren't the same since you went away,
it seems like a dream
so much left unsaid.
I look out the window and silently pray....

Please god let him be walking down the street,
smoking his cigarette and dragging his feet.


***RIP Jared. You are not forgotten.***