BAH!

One word- BAHHHHH!!!!!!

Okay, I am pretty sure BAH! isn't a word however it's the only thing I can think of right now. I have been pressuring myself to post something these last few weeks and everything I can think of starts with 'Damn', 'Shit' or 'Fuck'. I am in a relatively good mood (in comparison to the last few weeks) today so 'BAH!' it is. Pretty sure there is still nothing bright or uplifting about it, but really what do you expect?

I am rolling up on 6 months since the split. 6 months! I don't know where the time went. It's occurred to me that in 6 months I have done very little to cope with the realization that my marriage is over. I have just plowed forward, never stopping for too long to take a look back at where I came from. This has proven to be my biggest mistake. Instead of dealing with it I went into autopilot mode, never allowing myself to feel any one thing for too long. It certainly is explainable that all of a sudden it's hit me like a mack truck square in the gut.

These last few weeks have been extremely tough on me. I am teetering on regret and sitting at the intersection of depressed and hopeless. I sit here and think, where did this come from? How does one go to the girl I was 3 months ago to who I am now?! I am burnt out. I wish I could just crawl in bed and sleep the next 6 months away. Of course I can't, but it certainly would be nice.

This morning I got out of bed, the lump in my throat more swollen than yesterday. I took a big gulp and swallowed it down reminding myself that every big event starts with a small baby step. So here it is. My first post in a few weeks and also my small baby step toward getting back on track. I can't say it feels great, but it's something.

The Ugly Truth

Writing used to be something that I really loved to do. All throughout high school I kept various notebooks that contained everything from letters to poems to short stories. It was my therapy. There was nothing I loved more in the spring than ditching my last two classes of the day, driving down to my little secluded spot on the water and sitting on a rock and writing. I loved the sound of the water, the breeze on my face and the sun warming every inch of my body. I could sit there for hours and just write until all my problems no longer seemed so significant.

For about the last 5 years or so writing became so difficult. It wasn't from a lack of things to say, it was just the unwillingness to say those things. I have always found resolution to my problems through writing and I think the resolution that I knew I would find was just a reality that I wasn't ready to deal with. I would try to write, and find myself unconsciously skipping over certain parts of the truth. I was leaving out the core of what actually was so I didn't have to deal with it. After awhile I just stopped writing. Too much to say, not enough courage to say it.

I started this blog a few months before the split. When I first began my posts were few and far between. I was still hiding a lot. My cousin kept encouraging me. Just keep writing she said. And so I did. It was tough. Every post was censored, making sure I didn't let the reality of my situation known to my friends, my family, or even myself at times.

After the split it was still tough. If I posted once every couple weeks, I was doing well. I just kept hearing my cousin though. "Just keep writing." Now I find myself with an over abundance of things to say. I am no longer censoring myself. I have started to accept what is and I have learned that just because I fail to consciously acknowledge it doesn't make it any less true. Not only am I writing again, I am finding that my passion for it is back.

Today all I really want to do is skip out of work early, drive down to that little secluded spot on the water and just write. Maybe tomorrow....

Chasing Rainbows

My cousin posted this picture on her blog today and it absolutely took my breath away. Hope you don't mind that I stole it, Carrie! Chances are if you're reading my blog, then you are family and you have also read Carrie's blog so I don't need to tell you how amazing she is. Today, this picture was just what I needed. It is amazing how the littlest things are the things you need the most and they always appear at the most random times and places.

Since I have started my blog I have had a few comments about the title "Chasing Rainbows" and everyone seems to have their own theory about exactly what that means. Each person gets a little piece of the meaning but no one up to this point has exactly hit the nail on the head. This picture does.

I remember when I was little, probably about 6 or 7. Summer storms always terrified me. You know, the ones that roll in around 5 or 6 in the evening, wreak havoc for an hour or so and then roll out as quickly as they came? I loved going outside after a storm like that. I loved the smell in the air after a fresh rain moved out. I loved the way the humidity felt on my skin. I also knew that if I was lucky I would also see a rainbow.

On the rare occasion that I did see a rainbow I would stare at it, mesmerized by it. The beautiful colors, the way it draped across the sky. I always wondered where it began and where it ended. Was there really a pot of gold at the end? And that's when I would take off running down the street keeping my eyes on the sky, following the colors as far as I could. Within a few minutes it would just disappear, almost like it never really existed at all. And every time I would start walking back home, feeling a little sheepish and defeated.

Sometimes I feel the exact same way about life. I struggle between what's real and what's not. Between reality and fairytale. Even worse, I struggle to see the truth in the fairytale. I have always equated this to chasing rainbows when I was a child, believing in the end but not really having any proof that it actually exists. And then feeling a little sheepish and defeated when things don't quite work out. But now I see this picture, and it makes me smile. There it is.

I might never be as lucky as the person behind the camera that day. Chances are I will never actually see the end of a rainbow but now I know it's real, and that's enough for me. And it truly is spectacular...

School...

The pressure has been unbearable lately. I am so caught between everything I was, everything I am, and everything I want to be that I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends sometimes. Sleep is a luxury and a good meal is more often than not something I need to plan for.

I have been clawing away at school for over a year now and while a lot of people have assured me there is no shame in taking a little break due to my circumstances, I have not caved in to the stress. I keep chugging away. After all, I have come this far I may as well keep going.

School usually goes something like this-put Livvy to bed at 9. Log on to class by 10. Get sidetracked by 10:15. Log back on at 11. Read for 5 minutes. Realize I didn't absorb what I just read, so I read it again, this time taking 10 minutes. Around midnight, post once in each of the two discussion topics....attempt to sound smart. 12:30, give up on studying any further and opt to play on Facebook for awhile instead.

I never really get through all of the required reading. I wish I did, but my attention span at that time of night just won't allow me too. This makes it all the more incredible that in the last year, my grades have stayed pretty decent for a full time working single mommy.

So, I just want to toot my own horn for a second. I just finished up my Motivation and Leadership course. It was one of the harder courses I have taken so far. The final consisted of 40 multiple choice questions and 6 essay questions. While I was taking the exam, I was very concerned about my selections on the multiple choice. First, for some reason I usually suck at them and second, because all the options were so similar that it would have been very easy to make a careless mistake. The essays didn't worry me too much, I pride myself on the fact that I can write about anything and make it sound half way like I know what I am talking about.

Today I got my grade back and was totally floored when I saw I got a 290/300, which equates to almost a 97%!! More amazing is that all the multiple choice were correct! This is the best I have done on any of my exams up to this point, and considering that it was one of the more difficult courses, I felt I should give myself a little pat on the back.

It just goes to show that no matter what you have going on in your life, if you are determined to do something, you will do it. There is always a way to push through life in an attempt to make it better in the future. Sure I could take a break (polite way of saying quit!) but why? I have a 97% that says I am handling it just fine.

Personal Ad Rejects

Recently I have been getting quite a response from the male population. I am flattered, I really am. Truth be told, I am not very picky at all. I tend to find something I like in everyone. I am however, not 17 anymore, and I some things are non-negotiable. I an effort to eliminate this problem, and reduce the amount of wasted time (on your behalf and mine) hitting on me, here's a little list of some no-no's that I have come up with. If any of this applies to you, I kindly ask that you move right along.

1.)Telling me that my teeth are nice and white IS NOT a pick up line. I mean, it's nice because it means you weren't staring at my chest, but really?? Teeth? Sorry, it doesn't do it for me.

2.)I don't care how nice your other babies mama thinks you are, I am just not willing to go that route. There's a reason she is being referred to as your 'baby mama' and not your wife/girlfriend.

3.)Please do not exaggerate the fact that you "LOVE LITTLE GIRLS" as you are attempting to hit on me while I am holding my 3 year old daughter. That is just creepy. Pedophile anyone?

4.)Don't tell me that the reason you are jobless is because of a 'misunderstanding' in regards to some missing money. ("What had happened was.....")

5.)A complete stranger belting out the lyrics to "Brown Eyed Girl" in the gas station parking lot is not romantic. Please, if you want to talk, introduce yourself. Do not sing. There is no need for that.

6.)Do not go out of your way to convince me what an asshole you are. Girls in high school like assholes. I'm over it. Nice guys only please.

And Finally....

7.)Never...ever...ever brag about the fact that all your male buddies think you are gay. It's really not that funny. Especially when you will neither confirm it nor deny it.

That's all for now.

Back To Me

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.” – the holiday

Well, I am going to admit it. For the longest time I did go over every detail and wonder what I did wrong; what I could have done differently. The truth is, I am always blaming myself when things go wrong. I am always thinking there is something more that I can do, should do, or would do if I just knew what the hell it was. For a good portion of 4 years I turned myself inside out. I morphed into this person that I'm not-all to try and fix something that was never really my issue at all. All to be with him. Be happy with him. Have a family with him. I tried. God knows I tried.

All the little pieces of my soul are coming back. I am remembering the girl that I used to be. I am laughing at things I wouldn't have found funny a year ago. I am taking my daughter to the park, the carnival, the zoo, the store. I smile more than I frown. I cry more tears of joy then of sadness. My heart feels so full with love for the people that I overlooked all these years, just trying to get by and drowning in my own self-pity.

I don't however feel that I wasted any years of my life. I've got my beautiful little girl beside me, reminding me that without the years of heartache and struggle, she wouldn't be here. And so, it may be getting fuzzy, and I may start to forget, but I will never regret it, ever.

I've got love in my heart, a smile on my face and my little girl in my arms. And we're off to the fair tonight.