I've had all these little slogans bouncing around in my head these last few weeks. I am thinking some of them would make great t-shirts or bumper stickers.
1.) It's not me, it's you.
(I actually think I heard this somewhere, so I can't take all the credit. Very true though.)
2.) I worked for The United States Postal Service and all I got was a bad back.
(And this stupid shirt.)
( This is not slander. I really did work for them and I really do have a bad back because of it. Take that, USPS!)
3.) I told my GPS to go to hell. That's how I ended up here.
(Great bumper sticker potential.)
4.) You can't cure stupid. Luckily, I don't have to live with him anymore.
5.) My preschool dropout can kick your honor students ass.
6.) Don't be a douche.
7.) When life hands you lemons just say fuck the lemons and bail!
(Courtesy of 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'.)
8.) I have more friends on the Internet than IRL.
(If you're addicted to the Internet you know what IRL means.)
9.) Can we make this quick?
I have a farm to get back to. And my mafia needs me.
And I need to get more furniture for my pad in Yoville.
(Don't worry. I can stop anytime I want. Really.)
More additions to come soon. I didn't write these down so I know I am forgetting a few.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
My Current Annoyances
I've got a lot going on. I was hoping 2010 would bring a new outlook on life, and to an extent it has and I am grateful. One thing 2010 hasn't done however, is rid me of all those little things that make me want to climb up on a roof top and flip off every passerby. I can't afford bail though, so I've come here to vent to all 3 (or is it 4?) of my readers. Here it goes:
Current annoyance #1:
The Fresh Beat Band on Nickelodeon. I want to vomit at the sight of your matching outfits and retarded dance moves!! Yes, there is worse things my daughter could be but all I can picture is Olivia walking around school in a few years singing your damn tunes and getting beat up in the lunchroom. Shut up already, I can't stand you!!
Current annoyance #2:
Not having a car to drive!!! I understand that when you are getting something done through favors, and for relatively cheap, you need to exert patience but this is getting ridiculous!! All I can picture is finally getting a job and having to get there by unicycle. You know, the ones those freakish clowns use in the circus?? I've actually dreamt that. Enough is enough, move your ass already! I need my car back.
Current annoyance #3:
"Friends" who only come around long enough to post a retarded comment on your Facebook page and then have the nerve to message you asking why they've been defriended. I respond back letting them know that if they can tell me anything that's happened in my life in the last two months I will add them back. That's usually the last I hear from them.
Current annoyance #4:
People who think that within 5 minutes of spending time with my daughter and I that they have all her "issues" figured out, or that they know exactly what I am doing wrong. Suck my ass. Take her for a week. If she hasn't burned down your house or wrecked your car by the end of it, I'll give you $100. Don't assume you have any clue what I do on a daily basis, or that it's my fault. Oh and by the way, she might be a terror, but she's my terror. Speak badly of her and unleash a side of me that the devil himself would be terrified of. Go ahead, I'm waiting.
Current annoyance #5:
Men. Yup, all you douchebag men. Mr. I don't THINK I'm gay. Mr. My muscles make up for my lack of brain cells. And finally, Mr. It's not you, it's me. You don't make my ex look any better, but you certainly haven't restored my faith in the male population. Where are the normal guys?? And contrary to what my mom thinks, no, I don't find every severely emotionally handicapped man and try to fix him. THEY find ME! I am just too nice to call them a bunch of fucktards and go on my merry way....thanks, God, for the lack common sense. Awesome.
Okay, so that's it for now. I might be able to sleep tonight.That is, if the damn cats would shut up! They annoy me too. Shhh. Don't tell mom.
Current annoyance #1:
The Fresh Beat Band on Nickelodeon. I want to vomit at the sight of your matching outfits and retarded dance moves!! Yes, there is worse things my daughter could be but all I can picture is Olivia walking around school in a few years singing your damn tunes and getting beat up in the lunchroom. Shut up already, I can't stand you!!
Current annoyance #2:
Not having a car to drive!!! I understand that when you are getting something done through favors, and for relatively cheap, you need to exert patience but this is getting ridiculous!! All I can picture is finally getting a job and having to get there by unicycle. You know, the ones those freakish clowns use in the circus?? I've actually dreamt that. Enough is enough, move your ass already! I need my car back.
Current annoyance #3:
"Friends" who only come around long enough to post a retarded comment on your Facebook page and then have the nerve to message you asking why they've been defriended. I respond back letting them know that if they can tell me anything that's happened in my life in the last two months I will add them back. That's usually the last I hear from them.
Current annoyance #4:
People who think that within 5 minutes of spending time with my daughter and I that they have all her "issues" figured out, or that they know exactly what I am doing wrong. Suck my ass. Take her for a week. If she hasn't burned down your house or wrecked your car by the end of it, I'll give you $100. Don't assume you have any clue what I do on a daily basis, or that it's my fault. Oh and by the way, she might be a terror, but she's my terror. Speak badly of her and unleash a side of me that the devil himself would be terrified of. Go ahead, I'm waiting.
Current annoyance #5:
Men. Yup, all you douchebag men. Mr. I don't THINK I'm gay. Mr. My muscles make up for my lack of brain cells. And finally, Mr. It's not you, it's me. You don't make my ex look any better, but you certainly haven't restored my faith in the male population. Where are the normal guys?? And contrary to what my mom thinks, no, I don't find every severely emotionally handicapped man and try to fix him. THEY find ME! I am just too nice to call them a bunch of fucktards and go on my merry way....thanks, God, for the lack common sense. Awesome.
Okay, so that's it for now. I might be able to sleep tonight.That is, if the damn cats would shut up! They annoy me too. Shhh. Don't tell mom.
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