T-Shirts You Don't See....

I've had all these little slogans bouncing around in my head these last few weeks. I am thinking some of them would make great t-shirts or bumper stickers.

1.) It's not me, it's you.
(I actually think I heard this somewhere, so I can't take all the credit. Very true though.)

2.) I worked for The United States Postal Service and all I got was a bad back.
(And this stupid shirt.)

( This is not slander. I really did work for them and I really do have a bad back because of it. Take that, USPS!)

3.) I told my GPS to go to hell. That's how I ended up here.
(Great bumper sticker potential.)

4.) You can't cure stupid. Luckily, I don't have to live with him anymore.

5.) My preschool dropout can kick your honor students ass.

6.) Don't be a douche.

7.) When life hands you lemons just say fuck the lemons and bail!
(Courtesy of 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'.)

8.) I have more friends on the Internet than IRL.
(If you're addicted to the Internet you know what IRL means.)

9.) Can we make this quick?
I have a farm to get back to. And my mafia needs me.
And I need to get more furniture for my pad in Yoville.

(Don't worry. I can stop anytime I want. Really.)


More additions to come soon. I didn't write these down so I know I am forgetting a few.

My Current Annoyances

I've got a lot going on. I was hoping 2010 would bring a new outlook on life, and to an extent it has and I am grateful. One thing 2010 hasn't done however, is rid me of all those little things that make me want to climb up on a roof top and flip off every passerby. I can't afford bail though, so I've come here to vent to all 3 (or is it 4?) of my readers. Here it goes:

Current annoyance #1:

The Fresh Beat Band on Nickelodeon. I want to vomit at the sight of your matching outfits and retarded dance moves!! Yes, there is worse things my daughter could be but all I can picture is Olivia walking around school in a few years singing your damn tunes and getting beat up in the lunchroom. Shut up already, I can't stand you!!

Current annoyance #2:

Not having a car to drive!!! I understand that when you are getting something done through favors, and for relatively cheap, you need to exert patience but this is getting ridiculous!! All I can picture is finally getting a job and having to get there by unicycle. You know, the ones those freakish clowns use in the circus?? I've actually dreamt that. Enough is enough, move your ass already! I need my car back.

Current annoyance #3:

"Friends" who only come around long enough to post a retarded comment on your Facebook page and then have the nerve to message you asking why they've been defriended. I respond back letting them know that if they can tell me anything that's happened in my life in the last two months I will add them back. That's usually the last I hear from them.

Current annoyance #4:

People who think that within 5 minutes of spending time with my daughter and I that they have all her "issues" figured out, or that they know exactly what I am doing wrong. Suck my ass. Take her for a week. If she hasn't burned down your house or wrecked your car by the end of it, I'll give you $100. Don't assume you have any clue what I do on a daily basis, or that it's my fault. Oh and by the way, she might be a terror, but she's my terror. Speak badly of her and unleash a side of me that the devil himself would be terrified of. Go ahead, I'm waiting.

Current annoyance #5:

Men. Yup, all you douchebag men. Mr. I don't THINK I'm gay. Mr. My muscles make up for my lack of brain cells. And finally, Mr. It's not you, it's me. You don't make my ex look any better, but you certainly haven't restored my faith in the male population. Where are the normal guys?? And contrary to what my mom thinks, no, I don't find every severely emotionally handicapped man and try to fix him. THEY find ME! I am just too nice to call them a bunch of fucktards and go on my merry way....thanks, God, for the lack common sense. Awesome.


Okay, so that's it for now. I might be able to sleep tonight.That is, if the damn cats would shut up! They annoy me too. Shhh. Don't tell mom.

If You Only Knew....

Heard this song today....


If You Only Knew lyrics

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
On the web I spin for you
If you only knew.

I'd sacrifice my beating heart
before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.

The only thing that I still believe in is you,
if you only knew.

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong

If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone.

I don't regret any days I spent,
nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.

The only thing that I still believe in is you,
if you only knew.

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters you returned
You help me live and learn.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.

The only thing that I still believe in is you,
believe in is you.
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

Pork chops for Christmas!

Getting back into this isn't easy for me. I've taken a little extended break from blogging. Actually I've taken a little extended break from a lot of things. Blogging, school, work, sanity....

Yeah, it's been a rough few months :)

Christmas is fast approaching and although the music on the radio is still causing chunks to rise up in my throat when I hear anything seasonal related, Olivia is doing her best to get me in the holiday spirit. She'll be 4 in March and this is the first year that she really gets the whole concept of Santa and is really excited about it. This leads me to a story that I really want to share.

About two weeks ago Livvy was talking on her play phone. I asked who she was talking to and she announced that she was talking to Santa! So I tell her to make sure she tells Santa what she really wants for Christmas. This is what I hear:

"Santa? I want toys, and juice, and books, and puzzles, and green beans, and peas, and pork shops (chops)......."

I about fell over laughing. A 3 year old asking Santa for meat is a sure sign of a recession and unemployed mom if you ask me.

So I decide to call the "real" Santa so she can tell him what she wants. I call my Dad. I dial the number, and he answers:

Dad: Hello?

Me: Hello, Santa! Olivia would really like to tell you what she wants for Christmas this year. Do you have a few minutes to talk to her?

Dad: Uh, okay.....

Me: Olivia, Santa is on the phone! Come tell him what you want!

Olivia: (grabbing the phone out of my hand) Santa! I want toys, and juice, and books, and puzzles...

Okay?

Dad: Okay, Olivia! (in Santa voice)

Olivia: Okay....can I talk to Nina now??

I tell ya, I know my kid is smart but she caught on to the fact that it was her PopPop on the other end of that phone and not Santa a little to easily if you ask me! But certainly not before she told him everything she wanted!

You can bet that 'Santa' will be placing a pack of pork chops under the tree on Christmas morning! Maybe a can of green beans and peas too!

BAH!

One word- BAHHHHH!!!!!!

Okay, I am pretty sure BAH! isn't a word however it's the only thing I can think of right now. I have been pressuring myself to post something these last few weeks and everything I can think of starts with 'Damn', 'Shit' or 'Fuck'. I am in a relatively good mood (in comparison to the last few weeks) today so 'BAH!' it is. Pretty sure there is still nothing bright or uplifting about it, but really what do you expect?

I am rolling up on 6 months since the split. 6 months! I don't know where the time went. It's occurred to me that in 6 months I have done very little to cope with the realization that my marriage is over. I have just plowed forward, never stopping for too long to take a look back at where I came from. This has proven to be my biggest mistake. Instead of dealing with it I went into autopilot mode, never allowing myself to feel any one thing for too long. It certainly is explainable that all of a sudden it's hit me like a mack truck square in the gut.

These last few weeks have been extremely tough on me. I am teetering on regret and sitting at the intersection of depressed and hopeless. I sit here and think, where did this come from? How does one go to the girl I was 3 months ago to who I am now?! I am burnt out. I wish I could just crawl in bed and sleep the next 6 months away. Of course I can't, but it certainly would be nice.

This morning I got out of bed, the lump in my throat more swollen than yesterday. I took a big gulp and swallowed it down reminding myself that every big event starts with a small baby step. So here it is. My first post in a few weeks and also my small baby step toward getting back on track. I can't say it feels great, but it's something.

The Ugly Truth

Writing used to be something that I really loved to do. All throughout high school I kept various notebooks that contained everything from letters to poems to short stories. It was my therapy. There was nothing I loved more in the spring than ditching my last two classes of the day, driving down to my little secluded spot on the water and sitting on a rock and writing. I loved the sound of the water, the breeze on my face and the sun warming every inch of my body. I could sit there for hours and just write until all my problems no longer seemed so significant.

For about the last 5 years or so writing became so difficult. It wasn't from a lack of things to say, it was just the unwillingness to say those things. I have always found resolution to my problems through writing and I think the resolution that I knew I would find was just a reality that I wasn't ready to deal with. I would try to write, and find myself unconsciously skipping over certain parts of the truth. I was leaving out the core of what actually was so I didn't have to deal with it. After awhile I just stopped writing. Too much to say, not enough courage to say it.

I started this blog a few months before the split. When I first began my posts were few and far between. I was still hiding a lot. My cousin kept encouraging me. Just keep writing she said. And so I did. It was tough. Every post was censored, making sure I didn't let the reality of my situation known to my friends, my family, or even myself at times.

After the split it was still tough. If I posted once every couple weeks, I was doing well. I just kept hearing my cousin though. "Just keep writing." Now I find myself with an over abundance of things to say. I am no longer censoring myself. I have started to accept what is and I have learned that just because I fail to consciously acknowledge it doesn't make it any less true. Not only am I writing again, I am finding that my passion for it is back.

Today all I really want to do is skip out of work early, drive down to that little secluded spot on the water and just write. Maybe tomorrow....

Chasing Rainbows

My cousin posted this picture on her blog today and it absolutely took my breath away. Hope you don't mind that I stole it, Carrie! Chances are if you're reading my blog, then you are family and you have also read Carrie's blog so I don't need to tell you how amazing she is. Today, this picture was just what I needed. It is amazing how the littlest things are the things you need the most and they always appear at the most random times and places.

Since I have started my blog I have had a few comments about the title "Chasing Rainbows" and everyone seems to have their own theory about exactly what that means. Each person gets a little piece of the meaning but no one up to this point has exactly hit the nail on the head. This picture does.

I remember when I was little, probably about 6 or 7. Summer storms always terrified me. You know, the ones that roll in around 5 or 6 in the evening, wreak havoc for an hour or so and then roll out as quickly as they came? I loved going outside after a storm like that. I loved the smell in the air after a fresh rain moved out. I loved the way the humidity felt on my skin. I also knew that if I was lucky I would also see a rainbow.

On the rare occasion that I did see a rainbow I would stare at it, mesmerized by it. The beautiful colors, the way it draped across the sky. I always wondered where it began and where it ended. Was there really a pot of gold at the end? And that's when I would take off running down the street keeping my eyes on the sky, following the colors as far as I could. Within a few minutes it would just disappear, almost like it never really existed at all. And every time I would start walking back home, feeling a little sheepish and defeated.

Sometimes I feel the exact same way about life. I struggle between what's real and what's not. Between reality and fairytale. Even worse, I struggle to see the truth in the fairytale. I have always equated this to chasing rainbows when I was a child, believing in the end but not really having any proof that it actually exists. And then feeling a little sheepish and defeated when things don't quite work out. But now I see this picture, and it makes me smile. There it is.

I might never be as lucky as the person behind the camera that day. Chances are I will never actually see the end of a rainbow but now I know it's real, and that's enough for me. And it truly is spectacular...

School...

The pressure has been unbearable lately. I am so caught between everything I was, everything I am, and everything I want to be that I feel like I am burning the candle at both ends sometimes. Sleep is a luxury and a good meal is more often than not something I need to plan for.

I have been clawing away at school for over a year now and while a lot of people have assured me there is no shame in taking a little break due to my circumstances, I have not caved in to the stress. I keep chugging away. After all, I have come this far I may as well keep going.

School usually goes something like this-put Livvy to bed at 9. Log on to class by 10. Get sidetracked by 10:15. Log back on at 11. Read for 5 minutes. Realize I didn't absorb what I just read, so I read it again, this time taking 10 minutes. Around midnight, post once in each of the two discussion topics....attempt to sound smart. 12:30, give up on studying any further and opt to play on Facebook for awhile instead.

I never really get through all of the required reading. I wish I did, but my attention span at that time of night just won't allow me too. This makes it all the more incredible that in the last year, my grades have stayed pretty decent for a full time working single mommy.

So, I just want to toot my own horn for a second. I just finished up my Motivation and Leadership course. It was one of the harder courses I have taken so far. The final consisted of 40 multiple choice questions and 6 essay questions. While I was taking the exam, I was very concerned about my selections on the multiple choice. First, for some reason I usually suck at them and second, because all the options were so similar that it would have been very easy to make a careless mistake. The essays didn't worry me too much, I pride myself on the fact that I can write about anything and make it sound half way like I know what I am talking about.

Today I got my grade back and was totally floored when I saw I got a 290/300, which equates to almost a 97%!! More amazing is that all the multiple choice were correct! This is the best I have done on any of my exams up to this point, and considering that it was one of the more difficult courses, I felt I should give myself a little pat on the back.

It just goes to show that no matter what you have going on in your life, if you are determined to do something, you will do it. There is always a way to push through life in an attempt to make it better in the future. Sure I could take a break (polite way of saying quit!) but why? I have a 97% that says I am handling it just fine.

Personal Ad Rejects

Recently I have been getting quite a response from the male population. I am flattered, I really am. Truth be told, I am not very picky at all. I tend to find something I like in everyone. I am however, not 17 anymore, and I some things are non-negotiable. I an effort to eliminate this problem, and reduce the amount of wasted time (on your behalf and mine) hitting on me, here's a little list of some no-no's that I have come up with. If any of this applies to you, I kindly ask that you move right along.

1.)Telling me that my teeth are nice and white IS NOT a pick up line. I mean, it's nice because it means you weren't staring at my chest, but really?? Teeth? Sorry, it doesn't do it for me.

2.)I don't care how nice your other babies mama thinks you are, I am just not willing to go that route. There's a reason she is being referred to as your 'baby mama' and not your wife/girlfriend.

3.)Please do not exaggerate the fact that you "LOVE LITTLE GIRLS" as you are attempting to hit on me while I am holding my 3 year old daughter. That is just creepy. Pedophile anyone?

4.)Don't tell me that the reason you are jobless is because of a 'misunderstanding' in regards to some missing money. ("What had happened was.....")

5.)A complete stranger belting out the lyrics to "Brown Eyed Girl" in the gas station parking lot is not romantic. Please, if you want to talk, introduce yourself. Do not sing. There is no need for that.

6.)Do not go out of your way to convince me what an asshole you are. Girls in high school like assholes. I'm over it. Nice guys only please.

And Finally....

7.)Never...ever...ever brag about the fact that all your male buddies think you are gay. It's really not that funny. Especially when you will neither confirm it nor deny it.

That's all for now.

Back To Me

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.” – the holiday

Well, I am going to admit it. For the longest time I did go over every detail and wonder what I did wrong; what I could have done differently. The truth is, I am always blaming myself when things go wrong. I am always thinking there is something more that I can do, should do, or would do if I just knew what the hell it was. For a good portion of 4 years I turned myself inside out. I morphed into this person that I'm not-all to try and fix something that was never really my issue at all. All to be with him. Be happy with him. Have a family with him. I tried. God knows I tried.

All the little pieces of my soul are coming back. I am remembering the girl that I used to be. I am laughing at things I wouldn't have found funny a year ago. I am taking my daughter to the park, the carnival, the zoo, the store. I smile more than I frown. I cry more tears of joy then of sadness. My heart feels so full with love for the people that I overlooked all these years, just trying to get by and drowning in my own self-pity.

I don't however feel that I wasted any years of my life. I've got my beautiful little girl beside me, reminding me that without the years of heartache and struggle, she wouldn't be here. And so, it may be getting fuzzy, and I may start to forget, but I will never regret it, ever.

I've got love in my heart, a smile on my face and my little girl in my arms. And we're off to the fair tonight.

Doctor Knows Best

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. Because I always wait until the last minute to schedule appointments that should have been scheduled months prior, I had to see someone other than my normal doctor, as he was booked until December.

As I walked into the building and signed in at the front desk, I still wasn't sure who I was scheduled to see. I flipped through a few magazines, none of which were very interesting to me(Ebony and Arthritis Today really don't have many articles that apply to a single, white 26 year old mom, imagine that!). I was called back and the nurse informed me I would be seeing Dr. Berlin. Finally, at least I had a name. Seeing a new doc is always a little nerve wracking especially when you are practically on a first name basis with your regular doc. The nurse took my weight and vitals and let me know Dr. Berlin would be in soon.

I waited. And waited. Thoughts bounced back and forth in my head. First it was the fact that doctors offices are always white and filled with fluorescent lights which make my eyes hurt. I hate that! Then it was about how this particular office smelled like a funeral home. It must have been the fresh flowers in the waiting room, but there is definitely something about that smell in a doctors office that causes a little anxiety. Then it was about life as I know it these days. Olivia and I on our own. Working hard to pay rent and daycare and struggling from week to week to do so. Then I thought about how it's becoming really hard to remember my life 6 months ago. It seems every day that passes I lose a little piece of the past. I've forgotten what it was like for him and I to share a bed. I've forgotten what it was like to have to share the sink in the morning so I could brush my teeth while he shaved. It's all starting to feel surreal as time passes, like a dream almost. I became a little sad thinking about the time I sat in that very office, that very room even, when I was pregnant with our child. My heart started to ache a little.

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally heard a knock on the door and Dr. Berlin entered. He was a man in his 60's, tall and slender with silvery white hair. Not at all what I was expecting. My first thought was that he had been practicing medicine longer than I have been alive. He was a nice man, immediately I was comfortable with him. There was a warmness in his smile that you rarely see with doctors these days, it's usually all very procedure.

He made small talk as he reviewed my chart. He talked about his 4 kids, who are now grown, and I talked about Olivia. He asked how many more I planned on having and immediately I blurted out that I wish I could have at least 6, but I was sure finances wouldn't allow that. He chuckled and talked about how he never wanted a big family but love took over and he and his wife of 40 years were blessed with 4. He then asked the question I hoped he wouldn't...did my husband want a big family? In true Aimee fashion, the awkwardness caused me to make a really bad joke when I explained that my husband did in fact want a big family.... just not with me.

It's still very hard for me to tell people that I am no longer together with my husband. For months I have been bombarded with forms that ask you to check your marital status. I am not sure what to check.

Can't check married.
Can't check divorced.
Single? At least not where the IRS is concerned.
Widowed? Definitely not.

When I find myself with one of these forms I become annoyed and think to myself, why in the hell don't they have an "It's Complicated" selection like Facebook?? The least they could do is give a 'Separated' option. The majority of the forms I have come across do not though. Apparently you're either Married, Divorced, Single, or Widowed.

He saw the hurt in my eyes as I struggled to find the words to explain what happened in my marriage. Truth is, there really are no words for it. He gently placed my chart on the desk, took a few steps toward me and placed his hand on my shoulder. He explained that he and his wife had some very rough times when they were young. He was going through medical school, they were raising small children, and they were drowning in debt. He went on to explain that even through those hard times, he knew just how lucky he was to have this woman that loved him more than life itself and how everyday for the last 40 years he has thanked god that she picked him. And with the most genuine look in his eyes he stated that every person deserves to have that kind of love. And every person should hold out for it. Wait for it.

And just like that, in an instant, he restored my faith in the fact that it is out there. That kind of love exists. I just have to wait for it.

There's something about finally realizing things about yourself that you didn't realize before. Certain personality traits and little quirks that make you who you are but somehow everyone seems to see it but you.

Lately I have been taking all these Facebook quizzes and the pattern is nearly disturbing. Every quiz I take seems to point to that fact that I am a pushover who apparently lives in my own little fairytale world and that is why I am destined to never find happiness....because the happiness I seek doesn't exist and because I am too busy being a doormat to get what I want and need. Hmm.

Here's two of those tests.

How high maintenance are you? The result- A Doormat
"You aren't just easy to please, you're eager to please....When things are clicking you view the world as a positive place, but when things go badly you blame yourself."

What personality trait stands out most in you? The result- Romance
"Your fantasizing can make you oblivious to the world around you...."

Test after test, I get more of these same results. Now, of course I know that there is absolutely no scientific method to these quizzes and they almost always should be taken with a grain of salt. They are for entertainment purposes only. I am not sure who's entertainment at this point; they stopped being funny to me after I realized that I was a doormat, but I suppose my Facebook friends are still getting a kick out of the results.

Anyhow, back to the fact that the quizzes aren't based off of any truth. Yesterday get a message from a friend commenting on all these quiz results and how they have never seen them so accurate and consistent for any one person. Gee, thanks.

And now I am thinking about all the times my mom said that I am a doormat, or that I live in a fairytale world and I am destined to be disappointed. I guess she's right. I guess my friend is right. I guess facebook is right, too.

I have always been the type of person that was proud that I could live my life free of skepticism and always think so positively and believe in the fairytale. It's something I believed in and I really thought it was out there. Now my faith is shaking. Maybe it isn't out there. Maybe I am the doormat that is always going to love the guy that sees how badly he can treat me and how far I will go to please him.

Either way, I think I need to stay away from Facebook quizzes for awhile.

Arg! This week has been rough. It's not that anything has happened to make it rough, it's just been one of those weeks you wish you could fast forward through and pretend didn't actually happen.

It's been a few nights of hardly sleeping at all, followed by one night of falling into an absolute coma. The problem is, the night that I actually slept I woke up feeling worse than I did the nights that I didn't. I realize that this is an issue, because I am drained. My body is screaming for good sleep, the dark circles under my eyes say so. I just can't seem to get into a good pattern. Somehow even when I do sleep, the worries of my current situation sneak into my dreams and won't allow me to be peaceful even for a second.

Olivia. I love her, really I do. This week though she has had a few moments that really make me want to jump off the roof. Last night after giving her the ice cream she HAD to have, she took a mouth full of whipped cream and proceeded to spit it onto the floor. THANK GOD mama gets a much needed break this weekend. I sense that she is just as tired of me and is aiming to get under my skin at this point.

Work. Ok, not work so much as the damn commute to work. Not sure what the deal is but it seems like every asshole is suddenly back from vacation and causing the stupid traffic jams you don't normally see in the summer. I hate traffic. I hate the stupid accidents that cause traffic. I hate the 2 hour commute I have because of the stupid accidents. I hate the stupid people that cause the stupid accidents. I wish they would go back on vacation and give me a few more weeks of an easy commute before summer ends.

This leads me to my next annoyance...fall! I really dislike fall. Everything dies and is a constant reminder of the fact that winter is coming, which would be great if there were actual snow to look forward too. Instead though, we deal with temperatures cold enough to make you not want to get out of bed in the morning, but not quite cold enough to actually give us more than a dusting of snow. Fall is nothing more then the bearer of bad news.

All I'm really saying is that I just want to sleep like a normal person, not be frustrated with my daughter, and have a few more weeks of summer and no traffic. I don't think I am asking too much.

One more day and then on to the weekend at which time I am going to nap away this terrible outlook I have this week and replace it with a more positive one next week. That's the plan anyway.

Happiness

For a long time I have always heard from the people closest to me that my problem is I never put myself first. I am always trying to take care and worry about other people and that is why I could never find my own happiness. For the last few months I have stepped out of that role (as much as I can), took their advice and began focusing on what it is that I want. Now I remember why exactly I have always been so inclined to ignore my own needs and worry about others.

When you worry about taking care of other people and trying to help them, sometimes it backfires and comes back to bite you, but as a general rule, it just feels good. I love being that person that people want to talk to about their problems. Or that person that people can rely on for a hug and some sympathy. I truly believe there is good in everybody and every one starts off with the best of intentions, and people know that. When they have done something bad they know by coming to me I can show them that silver lining and assure them that they are a good person still. I love that I can make someones day a little better.

When you worry about yourself and your own happiness though...whole different ballgame. It's not as easy as one would think. First, you have to decide what it is that makes you happy. Don't get me started on that. It takes me an hour to pick out what to have for lunch for gods sake. Deciding on the right course of action for happiness is about as tough as it gets! Then you have to put all the wheels in motion to get it once you know what 'it' is. This is the tricky part. Let's just assume that I know what it is that I want, however, everything that I want is completely dependent on something other than yourself. Great. I know what I want but now I have absolutely no course of action to obtain it because wouldn't you know it, it's just a smidgen out of reach. Of course it is. That's kind of where I am at right now. I feel like everything I want and whether or not I get it is completely not up to me.

I want off of this crazy train. I was happier when Aimee came last and I found a whole lot of joy in helping everyone else. Besides, true happiness isn't something that should be a quest. It should show up in the form of an unexpected surprise, or the feeling in your heart when your kid learns to finally whistle.

Only fools let their happiness depend solely on what their ideas of happiness should be and whether or not they obtain just that. And I am no fool....

Single Mom In Search Of....

Newly single mom has part-time positions available.There is no pay involved but I would like to think spending time around the wonder that is me is payment enough.

Vacant Positions are as follows:

Trash Man- Part-time work Monday and Thursday nights. No real skill involved, just move the cans from the front porch to the street without breaking a bag all over the front steps (as I have done twice in the last month). If you break it, you clean it.

Landscaper- I no longer have a riding mower or weed whacker. I do have a push mower, but no gas can or gas. This position will require that you bring your own tools. I am perfectly capable of completing this task on my own however, it's August, and it's hot. I think a man might be better able to work under these conditions. Last time I attempted this I drank 6 bottles of water and blacked out for a brief period of time.

Mechanic- I do know how to put oil in my car myself, and so far that has worked. I am afraid though that the simple fact that I am going through 4 quarts of oil a week could be signaling a more serious problem.
Also, when I am running late for work in the morning and I hit about 80 mph on the highway, the car starts to shake violently. It's not possible for me to slow down, don't ask. Just come and fix my car.

Disciplinarian- In great need of a dominant male figure willing to be the bad guy so that I can remain the favorite. Most needed around 9pm as bedtime is approaching. Must have firm tone and ability to not laugh when a 3 year old puts her hand on her hip and demands that you, 'Weave her awone!!'.
This is a temporary position for the next year or so, but once the teenage years approach the possibility of a long term opportunity is very likely.

More positions to be added on an as needed basis. Please check back frequently. Again, all positions come with zero pay, no benefits and are on an at-will basis only. I have found that this is really the best solution for all parties involved since at some point you probably will become a pain in my ass, or I will want to hire someone else on a more permanent basis.

Please email all resumes and salary requirements (Remember, there is none. My smiling face should be enough.) to me. No phone inquiries please. Do not apply in person. Interviews by appointment only.

Are you kidding me?

Sleep. It really is a luxury these days. As a matter of fact, I am fairly certain I slept better as a newborn baby then what I do now. I have actually become used to functioning on very little sleep, but really, no one can function like that for very long. Eventually you're going to crash.

Last night, 9pm. I was sleepy, but I had to get my school work done. 10pm, no longer sleepy. Great. 11pm, surfing the internet and talking to Pam. 12pm, the whole house is quiet, and I am still not sleepy. 12:30, force myself to go to bed. 1am, after tossing and turning for a half hour I decide it's time for tylenol PM. Somewhere between 1 and 2am, I finally fall asleep. In and out of sleep for the next 2 hours, tossing and turning yet again. 4am, oh yes, 4am. This is the point in the night where I have woken up every night for the last 2 months. I hear the sounds of birds chirping which warns me daylight is near. 4:15 argue with myself for 10 minutes. Do I get up and get ready for work, or do I try and go back to sleep for another 2 hours?? 4:30, fall back asleep. 6:30 alarm goes off, I hit snooze unknowingly. 6:30-7:30, hit snooze 10 more times. 7:45, oh crap, I'm running late. Now fast forward to 10am, I am sitting at work, grumpy, tired and dreading seeing 4am yet again tonight. I know I will though. It won't matter whether I go to bed at 7, 11, or even 3am, you can bet I will be awake at 4.

In an attempt to make the best use of my time I wanted to let everyone know. If you have asked me for something and I have turned you down because I am too busy, too tired, or just plain lazy call me again and reschedule for 4am, I'm available.

Ah, Sunday!

It's Sunday. Sunday is always typically a relaxing day. A day to hang around the house, snuggle with your kid, clean, do laundry and prepare for the upcoming week. It seems as though every day, including Sunday lately, has come with it's own baggage which allows it to be anything but relaxing.

Not this Sunday. Today I was in a state of pure peace. I wasn't sad. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't busy trying to analyze every single detail of what is my life now. I was in a state of contentment. No worries. No feeling like the world was threatening to spin off it's axis if I didn't take quick action.

Liv and I woke up and we made cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We ate and just laid around all day, happy to be home and happy that the weight of the world had been lifted, even if only for today. I am not sure where this came from to be honest. Every day has it's emotions and every day is different, but what I relief to have felt for the first time in months that we are exactly where we belong, at least for the time being.

Thank god for today.

The L Word

I saw an old friend today and heard yet another story of failed marriage. It seems these days I am coming across the same sad story all over the place. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl. Boy and girl fall deeply in love. Boy and girl get married. Within 3 years boy and girl are miserable, child in tow, and then the inevitable D word follows. It's really sad to me that this is happening to more people then just me.

It's even more sad that these are people that I know. People that hold the same ideals toward marriage that I do. People that always thought the first time would be the only time. And that the magic L word would see that nothing ever put them in that D category.

I have been giving thought to the idea that maybe what I am looking for doesn't actually exist. Is it so out there to think that you will find that one person that really does think the "sun shines out your ass"? Is it? No marriage is problem free. I get that. But is it unreasonable to think that problems aside, at the end of the day, your love should conquer all?

All I ever wanted was someone to just love me, no matter what. For someone to be with me for no reason other than that they couldn't fathom the idea of being without me. Faults and all. That even within the most imperfect marriage, ultimately a perfect love would still exist. And after 5, 10 or 40 years, that person would still look at you the same way they did the day you fell in love.

Of course, anyone who knows me knows I am a dreamer. Maybe my idea of love and marriage just isn't realistic. Maybe my heart aims so high that I will never find the love that I think I deserve. All I know is I would rather feel in my heart that it does exist and risk never finding it then to settle for less again and know that I will never find it.

It's gotta be out there.....

A Thank You!

It's been a long road. I have stumbled a few times, gotten back up just to fall right back down.

These days I am spending much more time up on my feet rather than face first in the dirt. I am really thankful for that. As I was reflecting this morning, I thought about all the people that have led me to this point and it occurred to me that maybe I haven't thanked them enough. Maybe they don't know how much they truly mean to me. With that being said, here's a list of the people that have had a hand in standing me back up again.

First, my roommate Pam. Words can't even describe what a god send she has been to me. She knows exactly what I am going through and somewhere in the middle of all my insanity she helps me see the truth. She encourages me to get out and meet the world that awaits when all I want to do sometimes is crawl back under the sheets and sleep through it. She is amazing.

Tom and Dawn...when I had nowhere to go they opened up their home and made Olivia and I feel at ease. I thank god every day for them because if they hadn't been there it would have been that much harder to continue down this path. I am happy, and it started with them.

Ralph, who is always there to give words of encouragement and remind me that I am strong. It's amazing how someone so far away can have such a great impact on your outlook and be a constant reminder that anything is possible.

Jae who has no idea that just the moments of playing scrabble and chatting take me out of my life for a second. I love that my biggest problem in that moment is finding a 7 letter word better then my record high of 72 points.

Most of all, my daughter. She makes it all worth while. All the tears and all the smiles. It's all been for her and everyday she rewards me with hugs and kisses by the truckload. It's impossible to not want to make this imperfect world completely perfect when I look at her. It might never happen, but she keeps me trying.

Of course, this is the short list. I could go on. My mom, my grandmother, sister, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. I am extremely blessed to have such a huge support system in my life. Even though times get tough and I feel like I am all alone, I know deep down I have my own little personal army pushing me ahead. I hope they know how loved and appreciated they really are.

Until Next Time

Today sucked. I have gotten so used to the good days outnumbering the bad that when one comes along, it socks me square in the gut. I have been dealing with sleep issues for a few weeks now so that has me drained anyway. Last night I had some other emotional stuff going on that I was still dealing with at the break of dawn.

Fast forward to this morning, I am on my way to work and I get a call from my husband. Apparently his morning wasn't any better then mine, and surely he is still struggling with his own emotional baggage. Combine two struggling, emotional people and there is bound to be fireworks.

I just get so tired of never knowing what to expect these days and even more that after 4 months I still get the lump in my throat that impedes my ability to say exactly what I am thinking the moment I am thinking it. I am just tired of letting someone have the ability to make my day go so incredibly worse than what it needs to be. It sucks to feel for days that I am doing so well and then be derailed by a not so good day that I have no control over.

I guess I am still learning to not let things bother me. Still learning to accept that someone else's bad day isn't my bad day. Still learning that there is nothing to fear any longer and that it is okay to have my own thoughts and opinions. I am still learning all that.

Luckily while I am still learning, it is in fact just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day, and the next. Until next time....