Doctor Knows Best

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. Because I always wait until the last minute to schedule appointments that should have been scheduled months prior, I had to see someone other than my normal doctor, as he was booked until December.

As I walked into the building and signed in at the front desk, I still wasn't sure who I was scheduled to see. I flipped through a few magazines, none of which were very interesting to me(Ebony and Arthritis Today really don't have many articles that apply to a single, white 26 year old mom, imagine that!). I was called back and the nurse informed me I would be seeing Dr. Berlin. Finally, at least I had a name. Seeing a new doc is always a little nerve wracking especially when you are practically on a first name basis with your regular doc. The nurse took my weight and vitals and let me know Dr. Berlin would be in soon.

I waited. And waited. Thoughts bounced back and forth in my head. First it was the fact that doctors offices are always white and filled with fluorescent lights which make my eyes hurt. I hate that! Then it was about how this particular office smelled like a funeral home. It must have been the fresh flowers in the waiting room, but there is definitely something about that smell in a doctors office that causes a little anxiety. Then it was about life as I know it these days. Olivia and I on our own. Working hard to pay rent and daycare and struggling from week to week to do so. Then I thought about how it's becoming really hard to remember my life 6 months ago. It seems every day that passes I lose a little piece of the past. I've forgotten what it was like for him and I to share a bed. I've forgotten what it was like to have to share the sink in the morning so I could brush my teeth while he shaved. It's all starting to feel surreal as time passes, like a dream almost. I became a little sad thinking about the time I sat in that very office, that very room even, when I was pregnant with our child. My heart started to ache a little.

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally heard a knock on the door and Dr. Berlin entered. He was a man in his 60's, tall and slender with silvery white hair. Not at all what I was expecting. My first thought was that he had been practicing medicine longer than I have been alive. He was a nice man, immediately I was comfortable with him. There was a warmness in his smile that you rarely see with doctors these days, it's usually all very procedure.

He made small talk as he reviewed my chart. He talked about his 4 kids, who are now grown, and I talked about Olivia. He asked how many more I planned on having and immediately I blurted out that I wish I could have at least 6, but I was sure finances wouldn't allow that. He chuckled and talked about how he never wanted a big family but love took over and he and his wife of 40 years were blessed with 4. He then asked the question I hoped he wouldn't...did my husband want a big family? In true Aimee fashion, the awkwardness caused me to make a really bad joke when I explained that my husband did in fact want a big family.... just not with me.

It's still very hard for me to tell people that I am no longer together with my husband. For months I have been bombarded with forms that ask you to check your marital status. I am not sure what to check.

Can't check married.
Can't check divorced.
Single? At least not where the IRS is concerned.
Widowed? Definitely not.

When I find myself with one of these forms I become annoyed and think to myself, why in the hell don't they have an "It's Complicated" selection like Facebook?? The least they could do is give a 'Separated' option. The majority of the forms I have come across do not though. Apparently you're either Married, Divorced, Single, or Widowed.

He saw the hurt in my eyes as I struggled to find the words to explain what happened in my marriage. Truth is, there really are no words for it. He gently placed my chart on the desk, took a few steps toward me and placed his hand on my shoulder. He explained that he and his wife had some very rough times when they were young. He was going through medical school, they were raising small children, and they were drowning in debt. He went on to explain that even through those hard times, he knew just how lucky he was to have this woman that loved him more than life itself and how everyday for the last 40 years he has thanked god that she picked him. And with the most genuine look in his eyes he stated that every person deserves to have that kind of love. And every person should hold out for it. Wait for it.

And just like that, in an instant, he restored my faith in the fact that it is out there. That kind of love exists. I just have to wait for it.