Happiness

For a long time I have always heard from the people closest to me that my problem is I never put myself first. I am always trying to take care and worry about other people and that is why I could never find my own happiness. For the last few months I have stepped out of that role (as much as I can), took their advice and began focusing on what it is that I want. Now I remember why exactly I have always been so inclined to ignore my own needs and worry about others.

When you worry about taking care of other people and trying to help them, sometimes it backfires and comes back to bite you, but as a general rule, it just feels good. I love being that person that people want to talk to about their problems. Or that person that people can rely on for a hug and some sympathy. I truly believe there is good in everybody and every one starts off with the best of intentions, and people know that. When they have done something bad they know by coming to me I can show them that silver lining and assure them that they are a good person still. I love that I can make someones day a little better.

When you worry about yourself and your own happiness though...whole different ballgame. It's not as easy as one would think. First, you have to decide what it is that makes you happy. Don't get me started on that. It takes me an hour to pick out what to have for lunch for gods sake. Deciding on the right course of action for happiness is about as tough as it gets! Then you have to put all the wheels in motion to get it once you know what 'it' is. This is the tricky part. Let's just assume that I know what it is that I want, however, everything that I want is completely dependent on something other than yourself. Great. I know what I want but now I have absolutely no course of action to obtain it because wouldn't you know it, it's just a smidgen out of reach. Of course it is. That's kind of where I am at right now. I feel like everything I want and whether or not I get it is completely not up to me.

I want off of this crazy train. I was happier when Aimee came last and I found a whole lot of joy in helping everyone else. Besides, true happiness isn't something that should be a quest. It should show up in the form of an unexpected surprise, or the feeling in your heart when your kid learns to finally whistle.

Only fools let their happiness depend solely on what their ideas of happiness should be and whether or not they obtain just that. And I am no fool....