"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.” – the holiday
Well, I am going to admit it. For the longest time I did go over every detail and wonder what I did wrong; what I could have done differently. The truth is, I am always blaming myself when things go wrong. I am always thinking there is something more that I can do, should do, or would do if I just knew what the hell it was. For a good portion of 4 years I turned myself inside out. I morphed into this person that I'm not-all to try and fix something that was never really my issue at all. All to be with him. Be happy with him. Have a family with him. I tried. God knows I tried.
All the little pieces of my soul are coming back. I am remembering the girl that I used to be. I am laughing at things I wouldn't have found funny a year ago. I am taking my daughter to the park, the carnival, the zoo, the store. I smile more than I frown. I cry more tears of joy then of sadness. My heart feels so full with love for the people that I overlooked all these years, just trying to get by and drowning in my own self-pity.
I don't however feel that I wasted any years of my life. I've got my beautiful little girl beside me, reminding me that without the years of heartache and struggle, she wouldn't be here. And so, it may be getting fuzzy, and I may start to forget, but I will never regret it, ever.
I've got love in my heart, a smile on my face and my little girl in my arms. And we're off to the fair tonight.
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You describe it perfectly, and unless someone has gone through the "morphing" and back, they'll never understand it. It is good to see you back, and doesn't it feel wonderful to have re-introduced yourself to yourself? Happiness can be found in that place of knowing exactly who you are. It's awesome.
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