I saw an old friend today and heard yet another story of failed marriage. It seems these days I am coming across the same sad story all over the place. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl. Boy and girl fall deeply in love. Boy and girl get married. Within 3 years boy and girl are miserable, child in tow, and then the inevitable D word follows. It's really sad to me that this is happening to more people then just me.
It's even more sad that these are people that I know. People that hold the same ideals toward marriage that I do. People that always thought the first time would be the only time. And that the magic L word would see that nothing ever put them in that D category.
I have been giving thought to the idea that maybe what I am looking for doesn't actually exist. Is it so out there to think that you will find that one person that really does think the "sun shines out your ass"? Is it? No marriage is problem free. I get that. But is it unreasonable to think that problems aside, at the end of the day, your love should conquer all?
All I ever wanted was someone to just love me, no matter what. For someone to be with me for no reason other than that they couldn't fathom the idea of being without me. Faults and all. That even within the most imperfect marriage, ultimately a perfect love would still exist. And after 5, 10 or 40 years, that person would still look at you the same way they did the day you fell in love.
Of course, anyone who knows me knows I am a dreamer. Maybe my idea of love and marriage just isn't realistic. Maybe my heart aims so high that I will never find the love that I think I deserve. All I know is I would rather feel in my heart that it does exist and risk never finding it then to settle for less again and know that I will never find it.
It's gotta be out there.....
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A Thank You!
It's been a long road. I have stumbled a few times, gotten back up just to fall right back down.
These days I am spending much more time up on my feet rather than face first in the dirt. I am really thankful for that. As I was reflecting this morning, I thought about all the people that have led me to this point and it occurred to me that maybe I haven't thanked them enough. Maybe they don't know how much they truly mean to me. With that being said, here's a list of the people that have had a hand in standing me back up again.
First, my roommate Pam. Words can't even describe what a god send she has been to me. She knows exactly what I am going through and somewhere in the middle of all my insanity she helps me see the truth. She encourages me to get out and meet the world that awaits when all I want to do sometimes is crawl back under the sheets and sleep through it. She is amazing.
Tom and Dawn...when I had nowhere to go they opened up their home and made Olivia and I feel at ease. I thank god every day for them because if they hadn't been there it would have been that much harder to continue down this path. I am happy, and it started with them.
Ralph, who is always there to give words of encouragement and remind me that I am strong. It's amazing how someone so far away can have such a great impact on your outlook and be a constant reminder that anything is possible.
Jae who has no idea that just the moments of playing scrabble and chatting take me out of my life for a second. I love that my biggest problem in that moment is finding a 7 letter word better then my record high of 72 points.
Most of all, my daughter. She makes it all worth while. All the tears and all the smiles. It's all been for her and everyday she rewards me with hugs and kisses by the truckload. It's impossible to not want to make this imperfect world completely perfect when I look at her. It might never happen, but she keeps me trying.
Of course, this is the short list. I could go on. My mom, my grandmother, sister, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. I am extremely blessed to have such a huge support system in my life. Even though times get tough and I feel like I am all alone, I know deep down I have my own little personal army pushing me ahead. I hope they know how loved and appreciated they really are.
These days I am spending much more time up on my feet rather than face first in the dirt. I am really thankful for that. As I was reflecting this morning, I thought about all the people that have led me to this point and it occurred to me that maybe I haven't thanked them enough. Maybe they don't know how much they truly mean to me. With that being said, here's a list of the people that have had a hand in standing me back up again.
First, my roommate Pam. Words can't even describe what a god send she has been to me. She knows exactly what I am going through and somewhere in the middle of all my insanity she helps me see the truth. She encourages me to get out and meet the world that awaits when all I want to do sometimes is crawl back under the sheets and sleep through it. She is amazing.
Tom and Dawn...when I had nowhere to go they opened up their home and made Olivia and I feel at ease. I thank god every day for them because if they hadn't been there it would have been that much harder to continue down this path. I am happy, and it started with them.
Ralph, who is always there to give words of encouragement and remind me that I am strong. It's amazing how someone so far away can have such a great impact on your outlook and be a constant reminder that anything is possible.
Jae who has no idea that just the moments of playing scrabble and chatting take me out of my life for a second. I love that my biggest problem in that moment is finding a 7 letter word better then my record high of 72 points.
Most of all, my daughter. She makes it all worth while. All the tears and all the smiles. It's all been for her and everyday she rewards me with hugs and kisses by the truckload. It's impossible to not want to make this imperfect world completely perfect when I look at her. It might never happen, but she keeps me trying.
Of course, this is the short list. I could go on. My mom, my grandmother, sister, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. I am extremely blessed to have such a huge support system in my life. Even though times get tough and I feel like I am all alone, I know deep down I have my own little personal army pushing me ahead. I hope they know how loved and appreciated they really are.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Until Next Time
Today sucked. I have gotten so used to the good days outnumbering the bad that when one comes along, it socks me square in the gut. I have been dealing with sleep issues for a few weeks now so that has me drained anyway. Last night I had some other emotional stuff going on that I was still dealing with at the break of dawn.
Fast forward to this morning, I am on my way to work and I get a call from my husband. Apparently his morning wasn't any better then mine, and surely he is still struggling with his own emotional baggage. Combine two struggling, emotional people and there is bound to be fireworks.
I just get so tired of never knowing what to expect these days and even more that after 4 months I still get the lump in my throat that impedes my ability to say exactly what I am thinking the moment I am thinking it. I am just tired of letting someone have the ability to make my day go so incredibly worse than what it needs to be. It sucks to feel for days that I am doing so well and then be derailed by a not so good day that I have no control over.
I guess I am still learning to not let things bother me. Still learning to accept that someone else's bad day isn't my bad day. Still learning that there is nothing to fear any longer and that it is okay to have my own thoughts and opinions. I am still learning all that.
Luckily while I am still learning, it is in fact just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day, and the next. Until next time....
Fast forward to this morning, I am on my way to work and I get a call from my husband. Apparently his morning wasn't any better then mine, and surely he is still struggling with his own emotional baggage. Combine two struggling, emotional people and there is bound to be fireworks.
I just get so tired of never knowing what to expect these days and even more that after 4 months I still get the lump in my throat that impedes my ability to say exactly what I am thinking the moment I am thinking it. I am just tired of letting someone have the ability to make my day go so incredibly worse than what it needs to be. It sucks to feel for days that I am doing so well and then be derailed by a not so good day that I have no control over.
I guess I am still learning to not let things bother me. Still learning to accept that someone else's bad day isn't my bad day. Still learning that there is nothing to fear any longer and that it is okay to have my own thoughts and opinions. I am still learning all that.
Luckily while I am still learning, it is in fact just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day, and the next. Until next time....
Monday, August 10, 2009
I Feel Bad
I noticed something today. There have been 3 songs that have carried me through the last 4 months and all 3 are by the same artist. Not only that, all 3 songs have strong similarities. All 3 are about moving on and becoming strong. All 3 focus more on the relief of the relationship being over versus the mourning of it.
I guess this is really how I feel. Yes, I think it sucks my marriage is over but I am not really mourning it. I am happier than I have been in years to be truly honest. I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds, and for once in a long time, I am not fearful. I know there are great things out there for me, and for him.
Below are the lyrics to "I Don't Feel Bad". A few days ago I posted the lyrics to "Movin' On". Both are by Rascal Flats. If anyone is interested in the 3rd song, it is also by Rascal Flatts titled "Stand".
It's amazing to me how all 3 of these songs encompass exactly everything that I have been feeling over these last four months and how it's so completely different then the emotions that most would think that I am feeling.
For anyone going through something similar to what I have gone through, I highly suggest listening to these picks. You will gather more strength from the lyrics and music then you have had in a long time.
"I Don't Feel Bad"
"I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don't feel bitter,
alone
I just feel its time,
its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on and on
Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad"
-Rascal Flatts
I guess this is really how I feel. Yes, I think it sucks my marriage is over but I am not really mourning it. I am happier than I have been in years to be truly honest. I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds, and for once in a long time, I am not fearful. I know there are great things out there for me, and for him.
Below are the lyrics to "I Don't Feel Bad". A few days ago I posted the lyrics to "Movin' On". Both are by Rascal Flats. If anyone is interested in the 3rd song, it is also by Rascal Flatts titled "Stand".
It's amazing to me how all 3 of these songs encompass exactly everything that I have been feeling over these last four months and how it's so completely different then the emotions that most would think that I am feeling.
For anyone going through something similar to what I have gone through, I highly suggest listening to these picks. You will gather more strength from the lyrics and music then you have had in a long time.
"I Don't Feel Bad"
"I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone,
Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don't feel bitter,
alone
I just feel its time,
its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on and on
Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad"
-Rascal Flatts
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Within Reach
Olivia and I went to the carnival again tonight. This is quickly becoming one of our favorite things to do. There is just something about seeing the look on her face when she is on the rides that just makes my heart overflow and for a minute it takes me back. I remember being that young and how everything was so exciting. Truth be told though, Olivia is much more daring than I ever was (or even still am!). She has no fear and it's quickly becoming something I admire about her. I have no doubt that one day she is going to take the world head on and do something really special.
Lately, I have been thinking of new things that I can do. As if school, work, and being a single mom aren't enough I have contemplated the idea of writing a book. If Tori Spelling can do it, I am sure I can!
I have also tossed around the idea of doing some charity work. I would love to volunteer my time at the hospital; a long time ago someone told me that they are always looking for people to come in and rock babies. Babies who were abandoned or born to drug addicted moms. Babies who are essentially all alone in the world and just need the caring touch of a warm body. I really think that is something I would like to do. Of course knowing me I will want to bring home all those sweet babies at the end of the day.
I guess I just feel like over the last couple years I was so absorbed in keeping my marriage together that I really neglected in doing things for myself and for others.
I look at Olivia and see her lack of fear and I guess it makes me not so scared to try different things and see that even at 26, I can still do something really special too. That's what I am reaching for, and I think I am well on my way.
Lately, I have been thinking of new things that I can do. As if school, work, and being a single mom aren't enough I have contemplated the idea of writing a book. If Tori Spelling can do it, I am sure I can!
I have also tossed around the idea of doing some charity work. I would love to volunteer my time at the hospital; a long time ago someone told me that they are always looking for people to come in and rock babies. Babies who were abandoned or born to drug addicted moms. Babies who are essentially all alone in the world and just need the caring touch of a warm body. I really think that is something I would like to do. Of course knowing me I will want to bring home all those sweet babies at the end of the day.
I guess I just feel like over the last couple years I was so absorbed in keeping my marriage together that I really neglected in doing things for myself and for others.
I look at Olivia and see her lack of fear and I guess it makes me not so scared to try different things and see that even at 26, I can still do something really special too. That's what I am reaching for, and I think I am well on my way.
Friday, August 7, 2009
The Pedal on the Right
I can't help but be a little angry at people sometimes. The same people that said they would be there for me when all this began are some of the same people so quick to judge about every single decision I make. People that I have never been where I am right now. People that have no clue what it's like to completely start over with a 3 year old in tow.
I can only imagine it must be rather easy from a distance to analyze the situation and pinpoint every little mistake that I might be making. All I can say to that is this; at this juncture in my life I have earned every right to make a few mistakes.
I am sitting in the middle of an intersection and signs are pointing me in every which direction. I could go left or right, straight ahead or possibly even turn around and go back. The point is, no matter which way I go every single path is going to come with it's own bumps. I don't know which road to take. Which one is going to be the least rocky, causing the least amount of bumps and bruises to both me and my daughter? I haven't a single clue. What I do know is this, I can sit still anymore. I have to put it in drive and hope that the road I am taking is the right one. I can't sit idle in the intersection any longer as the caution signs flash red and oncoming traffic threatens to pummel us. I have to keep moving.
It may be easy for some to see exactly which route I should take and it certainly would be easier for me to see if I had a map. All I have is myself, my child and the faith that even if I make a wrong turn somewhere along the road that I will eventually still arrive at my destination, safe and sound. Just because you make a few wrong turns doesn't mean you abandon the car and ditch on foot. I'm going to be fine. She's going to be fine.
All I need is a couple more tanks of gas and an open road. We'll get there.
I can only imagine it must be rather easy from a distance to analyze the situation and pinpoint every little mistake that I might be making. All I can say to that is this; at this juncture in my life I have earned every right to make a few mistakes.
I am sitting in the middle of an intersection and signs are pointing me in every which direction. I could go left or right, straight ahead or possibly even turn around and go back. The point is, no matter which way I go every single path is going to come with it's own bumps. I don't know which road to take. Which one is going to be the least rocky, causing the least amount of bumps and bruises to both me and my daughter? I haven't a single clue. What I do know is this, I can sit still anymore. I have to put it in drive and hope that the road I am taking is the right one. I can't sit idle in the intersection any longer as the caution signs flash red and oncoming traffic threatens to pummel us. I have to keep moving.
It may be easy for some to see exactly which route I should take and it certainly would be easier for me to see if I had a map. All I have is myself, my child and the faith that even if I make a wrong turn somewhere along the road that I will eventually still arrive at my destination, safe and sound. Just because you make a few wrong turns doesn't mean you abandon the car and ditch on foot. I'm going to be fine. She's going to be fine.
All I need is a couple more tanks of gas and an open road. We'll get there.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I'm Movin' On
"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see
life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone.......
I'm movin' on."
-Rascal Flatts
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see
life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone.......
I'm movin' on."
-Rascal Flatts
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