I have decided to quit smoking. Currently I am on my last pack in what I call the "mental preparation" stage. This is the stage where I think about the fact that I am smoking my very last pack of smokes and I hyperventilate slightly and light another up, since coincidentally smoking is how I handle change. Man, I am screwed!

I began smoking when I was 15. It started with some friends after school, just trying to be cool. I remember the first time I really smoked, you know, where I lit my very own cig and smoked it all by myself. Inhaling and all. I remember it because when I got home I spent the next 4 hours in bed, begging myself not to puke. For some reason though, I went back for more the next day.

Smoking is also something I hold dear to my heart. I know that sounds weird, but here's why. My grandmother was the first family member I ever smoked with. Somehow this became our bond and our relationship which is like no other I have had with anyone else blossomed over The Young and the Restless and a pack of smokes. Even when she fell ill with lung cancer and quit after 50 years I felt I owed it to her to keep smoking. Again, I am sure that seems weird since she was ill with cancer and it should make me want to quit, but it didnt. Part of me felt that if I gave it up, I would be giving up that bond too. I felt that all those memories we had, just the two of us smoking and telling stories would be gone. I thought if the cancer killed her, at least I would still have that part of her and everytime I lit one up I would think of her.

Finally giving it up is bittersweet for me. It's good because I know that if there is one thing she would like to see before the lord takes her is that hopefully I will not go through what she did. Maybe that is what I owe her before it's too late. The bitter part of it is that I am not really giving it up for her. I simply can not afford it anymore.

Starting in April a pack of brand name smokes her in Maryland will be $6.99 plus tax. At a pack a day, that's nearly $8.00. Times that by two (hubby smokes as well) and we are investing $16.00 a day to essentially commit suicide. Truth be told, if I had that kind of money it probably wouldn't bother me though. Only poor people look for cheap ways of killing themselves. Maybe I will buy a motorcycle with the money I am saving.

So, goodbye cigarettes. You will be missed.
And to my dear Meem as I light my last, this one is for you....