T-Shirts You Don't See....

I've had all these little slogans bouncing around in my head these last few weeks. I am thinking some of them would make great t-shirts or bumper stickers.

1.) It's not me, it's you.
(I actually think I heard this somewhere, so I can't take all the credit. Very true though.)

2.) I worked for The United States Postal Service and all I got was a bad back.
(And this stupid shirt.)

( This is not slander. I really did work for them and I really do have a bad back because of it. Take that, USPS!)

3.) I told my GPS to go to hell. That's how I ended up here.
(Great bumper sticker potential.)

4.) You can't cure stupid. Luckily, I don't have to live with him anymore.

5.) My preschool dropout can kick your honor students ass.

6.) Don't be a douche.

7.) When life hands you lemons just say fuck the lemons and bail!
(Courtesy of 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'.)

8.) I have more friends on the Internet than IRL.
(If you're addicted to the Internet you know what IRL means.)

9.) Can we make this quick?
I have a farm to get back to. And my mafia needs me.
And I need to get more furniture for my pad in Yoville.

(Don't worry. I can stop anytime I want. Really.)


More additions to come soon. I didn't write these down so I know I am forgetting a few.

My Current Annoyances

I've got a lot going on. I was hoping 2010 would bring a new outlook on life, and to an extent it has and I am grateful. One thing 2010 hasn't done however, is rid me of all those little things that make me want to climb up on a roof top and flip off every passerby. I can't afford bail though, so I've come here to vent to all 3 (or is it 4?) of my readers. Here it goes:

Current annoyance #1:

The Fresh Beat Band on Nickelodeon. I want to vomit at the sight of your matching outfits and retarded dance moves!! Yes, there is worse things my daughter could be but all I can picture is Olivia walking around school in a few years singing your damn tunes and getting beat up in the lunchroom. Shut up already, I can't stand you!!

Current annoyance #2:

Not having a car to drive!!! I understand that when you are getting something done through favors, and for relatively cheap, you need to exert patience but this is getting ridiculous!! All I can picture is finally getting a job and having to get there by unicycle. You know, the ones those freakish clowns use in the circus?? I've actually dreamt that. Enough is enough, move your ass already! I need my car back.

Current annoyance #3:

"Friends" who only come around long enough to post a retarded comment on your Facebook page and then have the nerve to message you asking why they've been defriended. I respond back letting them know that if they can tell me anything that's happened in my life in the last two months I will add them back. That's usually the last I hear from them.

Current annoyance #4:

People who think that within 5 minutes of spending time with my daughter and I that they have all her "issues" figured out, or that they know exactly what I am doing wrong. Suck my ass. Take her for a week. If she hasn't burned down your house or wrecked your car by the end of it, I'll give you $100. Don't assume you have any clue what I do on a daily basis, or that it's my fault. Oh and by the way, she might be a terror, but she's my terror. Speak badly of her and unleash a side of me that the devil himself would be terrified of. Go ahead, I'm waiting.

Current annoyance #5:

Men. Yup, all you douchebag men. Mr. I don't THINK I'm gay. Mr. My muscles make up for my lack of brain cells. And finally, Mr. It's not you, it's me. You don't make my ex look any better, but you certainly haven't restored my faith in the male population. Where are the normal guys?? And contrary to what my mom thinks, no, I don't find every severely emotionally handicapped man and try to fix him. THEY find ME! I am just too nice to call them a bunch of fucktards and go on my merry way....thanks, God, for the lack common sense. Awesome.


Okay, so that's it for now. I might be able to sleep tonight.That is, if the damn cats would shut up! They annoy me too. Shhh. Don't tell mom.

If You Only Knew....

Heard this song today....


If You Only Knew lyrics

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
On the web I spin for you
If you only knew.

I'd sacrifice my beating heart
before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.

The only thing that I still believe in is you,
if you only knew.

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong

If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone.

I don't regret any days I spent,
nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.

The only thing that I still believe in is you,
if you only knew.

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters you returned
You help me live and learn.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me.

The only thing that I still believe in is you,
believe in is you.
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

Pork chops for Christmas!

Getting back into this isn't easy for me. I've taken a little extended break from blogging. Actually I've taken a little extended break from a lot of things. Blogging, school, work, sanity....

Yeah, it's been a rough few months :)

Christmas is fast approaching and although the music on the radio is still causing chunks to rise up in my throat when I hear anything seasonal related, Olivia is doing her best to get me in the holiday spirit. She'll be 4 in March and this is the first year that she really gets the whole concept of Santa and is really excited about it. This leads me to a story that I really want to share.

About two weeks ago Livvy was talking on her play phone. I asked who she was talking to and she announced that she was talking to Santa! So I tell her to make sure she tells Santa what she really wants for Christmas. This is what I hear:

"Santa? I want toys, and juice, and books, and puzzles, and green beans, and peas, and pork shops (chops)......."

I about fell over laughing. A 3 year old asking Santa for meat is a sure sign of a recession and unemployed mom if you ask me.

So I decide to call the "real" Santa so she can tell him what she wants. I call my Dad. I dial the number, and he answers:

Dad: Hello?

Me: Hello, Santa! Olivia would really like to tell you what she wants for Christmas this year. Do you have a few minutes to talk to her?

Dad: Uh, okay.....

Me: Olivia, Santa is on the phone! Come tell him what you want!

Olivia: (grabbing the phone out of my hand) Santa! I want toys, and juice, and books, and puzzles...

Okay?

Dad: Okay, Olivia! (in Santa voice)

Olivia: Okay....can I talk to Nina now??

I tell ya, I know my kid is smart but she caught on to the fact that it was her PopPop on the other end of that phone and not Santa a little to easily if you ask me! But certainly not before she told him everything she wanted!

You can bet that 'Santa' will be placing a pack of pork chops under the tree on Christmas morning! Maybe a can of green beans and peas too!

BAH!

One word- BAHHHHH!!!!!!

Okay, I am pretty sure BAH! isn't a word however it's the only thing I can think of right now. I have been pressuring myself to post something these last few weeks and everything I can think of starts with 'Damn', 'Shit' or 'Fuck'. I am in a relatively good mood (in comparison to the last few weeks) today so 'BAH!' it is. Pretty sure there is still nothing bright or uplifting about it, but really what do you expect?

I am rolling up on 6 months since the split. 6 months! I don't know where the time went. It's occurred to me that in 6 months I have done very little to cope with the realization that my marriage is over. I have just plowed forward, never stopping for too long to take a look back at where I came from. This has proven to be my biggest mistake. Instead of dealing with it I went into autopilot mode, never allowing myself to feel any one thing for too long. It certainly is explainable that all of a sudden it's hit me like a mack truck square in the gut.

These last few weeks have been extremely tough on me. I am teetering on regret and sitting at the intersection of depressed and hopeless. I sit here and think, where did this come from? How does one go to the girl I was 3 months ago to who I am now?! I am burnt out. I wish I could just crawl in bed and sleep the next 6 months away. Of course I can't, but it certainly would be nice.

This morning I got out of bed, the lump in my throat more swollen than yesterday. I took a big gulp and swallowed it down reminding myself that every big event starts with a small baby step. So here it is. My first post in a few weeks and also my small baby step toward getting back on track. I can't say it feels great, but it's something.

The Ugly Truth

Writing used to be something that I really loved to do. All throughout high school I kept various notebooks that contained everything from letters to poems to short stories. It was my therapy. There was nothing I loved more in the spring than ditching my last two classes of the day, driving down to my little secluded spot on the water and sitting on a rock and writing. I loved the sound of the water, the breeze on my face and the sun warming every inch of my body. I could sit there for hours and just write until all my problems no longer seemed so significant.

For about the last 5 years or so writing became so difficult. It wasn't from a lack of things to say, it was just the unwillingness to say those things. I have always found resolution to my problems through writing and I think the resolution that I knew I would find was just a reality that I wasn't ready to deal with. I would try to write, and find myself unconsciously skipping over certain parts of the truth. I was leaving out the core of what actually was so I didn't have to deal with it. After awhile I just stopped writing. Too much to say, not enough courage to say it.

I started this blog a few months before the split. When I first began my posts were few and far between. I was still hiding a lot. My cousin kept encouraging me. Just keep writing she said. And so I did. It was tough. Every post was censored, making sure I didn't let the reality of my situation known to my friends, my family, or even myself at times.

After the split it was still tough. If I posted once every couple weeks, I was doing well. I just kept hearing my cousin though. "Just keep writing." Now I find myself with an over abundance of things to say. I am no longer censoring myself. I have started to accept what is and I have learned that just because I fail to consciously acknowledge it doesn't make it any less true. Not only am I writing again, I am finding that my passion for it is back.

Today all I really want to do is skip out of work early, drive down to that little secluded spot on the water and just write. Maybe tomorrow....

Chasing Rainbows

My cousin posted this picture on her blog today and it absolutely took my breath away. Hope you don't mind that I stole it, Carrie! Chances are if you're reading my blog, then you are family and you have also read Carrie's blog so I don't need to tell you how amazing she is. Today, this picture was just what I needed. It is amazing how the littlest things are the things you need the most and they always appear at the most random times and places.

Since I have started my blog I have had a few comments about the title "Chasing Rainbows" and everyone seems to have their own theory about exactly what that means. Each person gets a little piece of the meaning but no one up to this point has exactly hit the nail on the head. This picture does.

I remember when I was little, probably about 6 or 7. Summer storms always terrified me. You know, the ones that roll in around 5 or 6 in the evening, wreak havoc for an hour or so and then roll out as quickly as they came? I loved going outside after a storm like that. I loved the smell in the air after a fresh rain moved out. I loved the way the humidity felt on my skin. I also knew that if I was lucky I would also see a rainbow.

On the rare occasion that I did see a rainbow I would stare at it, mesmerized by it. The beautiful colors, the way it draped across the sky. I always wondered where it began and where it ended. Was there really a pot of gold at the end? And that's when I would take off running down the street keeping my eyes on the sky, following the colors as far as I could. Within a few minutes it would just disappear, almost like it never really existed at all. And every time I would start walking back home, feeling a little sheepish and defeated.

Sometimes I feel the exact same way about life. I struggle between what's real and what's not. Between reality and fairytale. Even worse, I struggle to see the truth in the fairytale. I have always equated this to chasing rainbows when I was a child, believing in the end but not really having any proof that it actually exists. And then feeling a little sheepish and defeated when things don't quite work out. But now I see this picture, and it makes me smile. There it is.

I might never be as lucky as the person behind the camera that day. Chances are I will never actually see the end of a rainbow but now I know it's real, and that's enough for me. And it truly is spectacular...